Submission in Marriage

God licks his lips and squirms in the stand.  His eyes dart nervously around the courtroom, looking for a way out. The atmosphere is heavy with anticipation, silent except for the lazy buzzing of a fly.

I ask, “Are you going to answer the question?  Is it true you tell women to submit to their husbands?”

Sweat begins to trickle down God’s brow.  He clears his throat several times and then mutters, “Yes, I did design marriage to be this way.”

I smack my hand against the stand, and yell, “Submit, you say, as if a woman is incapable of being the leader in a home or anywhere else! Ladies of the jury, I ask you, how can you worship a God who lacks the intellect to grasp how foolhardy of a command that is?”

Without deliberating, the women of the jury stand up and announce in unison, “Guilty! Guilty and unable to be worshipped!”

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I have, more often than I can count, put God on the stand.  I have allowed Jesus to be my savior and my redeemer from hell.  But I will often imprison his commands, quenching the Holy Spirit, because I find those commands incompetent.  Submission is one of those commands. First Peter 3:5 says: For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands...

We’ve been blogging through First Peter, and my first post was about entrusting yourself to God.  If you don’t entrust yourself to God, you will never submit in a Godly way to your husband.  Submission is recognizing your husband as the leader of your home.  God has appointed him to be so.  Our culture is full of authority structures and practically all of the time, I don’t begrudge them.  I like knowing that if there is a major problem in our lives, there are people in the church to be accountable to.  I am thankful for 911 and the saving help of the police.  Even when caught speeding, I don’t resent the cops, forcing them to a wild, pedestrian-endangering car chase. I know that’s their job. 

But when it comes to submission to my husband, I feel like a cartoon character who accidentally swallows the anvil; it’s too big and heavy to get down my throat.  Part of this is my fallen nature. After the fall, God says to the woman, "Your desire shall be for your husband…” (Genesis 3:16)  The word desire there is the same word God uses when he warns Cain to master sin, because, “Its desire is for you…”(Genesis 4:7)  Of course, we know how that story ends.

But how does our story end?  Will we desire for control and mastery over our spouse?  Will that desire devour us?  It will, if we are not walking by faith.  When God said, “Your desire shall be for your husband…” He’s saying this is what you will be like now that your nature is sinful.  Because our desire should really be for God.  He should be the one our focus is on. 

The biggest thing that helped me understand submission was seeing what God, as a trinity, is like.  He is one, but three distinct persons.  As three distinct persons, the trinity is always supporting each other.   They never jockey for position, but each are content in their roles.  You never hear Jesus moan to God the father, “Why did I have to submit to you on the earth? Why didn’t you go and die on a cross?”  The Holy Spirit never says to Jesus, “Sure you warned people not to blaspheme me, but they still seem uncomfortable with who I am! Nobody's uncomfortable with you!”

It’s not like that.  They love being with each other.  They are pleased to be together, each in a distinct role.  It’s a good thing that God is that way, or what hope would we have to worship a bickering deity?

So for me, it was realizing that when I am obeying God by being submissive, I am getting a chance to be more like him.  By submitting to my husband, I am getting to represent in a small way what God is like.  In marriage, the husband and wife are one, but each with a different role to play.  Those differences don’t make us lesser.  They just bring honor to marriage and point others to God.  This view of marriage helped me to replace my negative thoughts about submission with positive ones.

The other great help was learning what submission is not.  In his study, Wives Like Sarah and the Men who Honor Them,  Wayne Grudem clearly articulates what submission isn't. I quote part of the article here:

What Submission Does Not Mean

1.  Submission does not mean putting a husband in the place of Christ.  Your husband is a link in a chain.  He should be under the authority of other men in a church, the laws of our government, and Christ himself.  You as a woman are also under the authority of Christ, and so must never submit to your husband if he is asking you to do something sinful.
2. Submission does not mean giving up independent thought. Most women today had brains and opinions before they were married.  This doesn't shock Jesus.  He submitted to the father all the time, but caused a stir among the people with his opinions and thoughts.
3. Submission does not mean a wife should give up efforts to influence and guide her husband. We already talked about this one here.
4. Submission is not based on lesser intelligence or competence. This goes back to the different roles of the trinity.  Jesus wasn't lesser for submitting to the father and dying on the cross.  Wayne writes, "...Where there is a Christian wife with a non-Christian husband, she is shown to have greater spiritual insight than he does-she has seen the truth of Christianity and he has not.
5. Submission does not mean fearful or timid.  Wayne writes, "Peter tells wives to 'not give way to fear.'  Thus the reference to the wife as the 'weaker partner' (1 peter 3:7) cannot be due to any inherent lack of inner strength or courage in the face of danger or threat." 
6. Submission is not inconsistent with equality in Christ.  Jesus had to submit to God the father.  And godly Christians are told to submit to secular governments and employers.  Women being told to submit doesn't mean they are less important to God.  Peter says the opposite, wives are, "heirs with you of the gracious gift of life" (vs. 7). 

When we submit as wives, we are arranging our life in the order that God chose.  We are adorning God himself with our faithful behavior.  We are saying, "Because God is so appealing, I can trust him with the leadership he allows my husband to have."  This faith will make God look appealing to others, not the least of which is our husband.

Sharing with: Missional Women, Your Thriving Family, Consider the Lilies, Christian Mommy Blogger, NOBH,