An interesting article popped up in my Facebook newsfeed this week. Another blogger sharing this article from The Daily Beast: "Why I Choose to Be Childless: Readers Share Their Stories". While I completely understand that there are many couples who struggle with infertility and are unable to have children, I have always been curious about why married couples deliberately choose not to have children. Many of the individuals and couples who shared their stories cited reasons such as disliking children, wanting to fully pursue a career, desiring independence, feeling uninspired to have them because so many parents complain about kids, and simple unabashed selfishness. But the reason that I found really interesting was that many of the couples worried that having kids would ruin their perfectly good marriage and they had no desire to risk their relationship. Here are a few snippets from the article:
While I deeply love my husband of 47 years, I soon realized that our approaches to family life would not be the same. Our relationship is like many of my generation. Although I eventually earned my doctorate and had a highly successful career which he respected and supported, at home his decisions still dominated. I felt that if we had children, we would most likely end up divorced or I would live my life frustrated by his choices for them.
We discussed questions like these:...What would it do to our relationship? We’re happy together – why should we change that dynamic?
Here are some of the reasons why I'm part of the "childless revolution"...Bad marriages: Sadly I see too many of them. It doesn't help that married friends tell you not to get married. Less than half seem truly happy.
My life is fulfilling now. I will always work on making the world a better place, and I can help accomplish that without raising another human being. What makes some people happy doesn't work for others. I have better communication with my husband than you do.
If my husband stresses me out now because of the things he does or doesn't do or the ways he does or doesn't contribute around the house, how much worse will I be with children around! I imagine we would resent each other very quickly and have to give up many of the fun things that we do and that make us "us." My husband in my number-one priority and I his; why would we want to change this so we can be slaves to a child?So here's my question for us today: Does having kids change or destroy a good marital relationship? How has having children changed your marriage? If you don't have children, do these quotes reflect your own fears and reservations?
Ready. Set. Go. Discuss. (And feel free to share this post on Twitter or Facebook to keep the discussion going!)
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Here's my story. Yes, children wrecked my marriage. And then they strengthened it.
ReplyDeleteHaving children together, and being forced to work through the challenges and differences in parenting styles, caused real frustration, conflict, and pain in our relationship. It didn't help in our situation that one of our children was colicky and then had sleep issues for years. We were both stressed, at odds with each other, and struggled in our marital relationship.
Would I change how we did things then? Absolutely. Would I change having children? No stinkin' way!
Having children together did force us to deal with issues. Sure, it caused conflict for a while, but through that challenge, we became less selfish, more gracious people. In the long run, our shared experience of rearing children has strengthened our bond and made us that much more committed to our marriage. It was hard, but we learned about ourselves and realized the importance of a Christlike attitude of humility and grace in our daily lives. I've long believed that's why God allows struggles to enter our lives--to grow us.
Maybe a couple avoids some struggle by not choosing not to have children, but they miss out on the blessings of the experience. I know friends who have chosen not to have children, but their reasons weren't selfish protection of their romance. I don't think you must have children to live a fulfilling life, but in my case, I can't imagine making any other choice.
The sad things is those who think having children will fix a bad marriage. Children add stress to a marriage. Stress makes good marriages better, but it can hurt or destroy a bad marriage.
ReplyDeleteChildren almost did destroy our marriage - I can't think of anything that can create such stress between a couple. And if one wasn't enough - we went out and adopted two more! I discovered something painfully beautiful about the straitened circumstances that we experienced -- exposure. Exposure of my own selfishness and self-centeredness - as well as hubby's. It was this collision of our OWN ugliness that created all the stress. Children can be an expedient way that God uses to reveal what is otherwise hidden away deep beneath the surface. I don't think that kids actually "put" stress into a marriage - they merely force out what is already there. Enabling growth and maturity at a profound level - if the individual will allow it to happen.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right about kids not actually putting stress into a marriage but rather revealing what was already there. If a couple doesn't have kids that reveals selfishness and other ungodly attitudes, there will probably be another situation that God uses to reveal the same things.
ReplyDeleteYes, before kids, that idea of having kids to save a marriage didn't strike me as wrong as it does now. Chalk it up to naivety...three kids later, I get it. :) Any added responsibility puts pressure on a marriage really but parenting is so "in the moment" and unpredictable.
ReplyDeleteFrom the outside looking in, what strikes me the most is that so many parents rarely share anything positive about their kids. I realize they need to be able to vent, but if/when that's all you say, it makes me shake my head and think "why on earth did you have children?"
ReplyDeleteOur daughter has only deepened our relationship and brought us closer together, so far. And we don't expect this next baby to be any different. To be involved in such a humongous responsibility together, sharing the joys and making decisions as a team, has just moved our partnership to a new level. It hasn't come between us one bit.
ReplyDeletePart of that is the fact that we've always been a good team. We were already on the same page and we had a plan in place for dealing with disagreements and difficult questions before we even got married. Thus, we were prepared for having children and having them hasn't changed anything between us. Our relationship could handle the strain because we were already stable.
I would suspect that those who have problems simmering under the surface - whether that's communication issues, lack of trust, immaturity, selfishness, an inability to properly resolve conflict, or whatever - they will see those problems come to light when they have kids. It's also going to cause conflict between those who have quite different backgrounds or ideas about how to raise children. Having kids, for the most part, will just cause existing problems to be revealed. In many cases, this can be a good thing if the couple will learn to work those problems out and grow closer as a result. However, it can also be a problem if those issues aren't resolved properly.
Couples should simply realize that having children may place a strain on their marriage, which is only temporary until they learn to work together properly as a team. This ability is well-worth the work. I advise developing the skill of working as an efficient team and learning to resolve conflict properly before having kids, but as long as a couple is willing to work at it, it can be done anytime.
You're absolutely right and I am so guilty of complaining about my kids even though I really love them to death. So why did I have kids if they drive me crazy? Well, I didn't think they WOULD drive me crazy!! I just thought, "Oh, a baby...it's so beautiful...so sweet..." and it is those things, but it's just so hard. You don't realize how selfish you really are until you have kids and much of the complaining is stemming from that; the kids are "wrecking" what I want to accomplish in any given day. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it...and you can't with kids. But the fact that parenting is hard doesn't mean it isn't worth it. If I allow it to change me, it is the biggest experience in my life that God is using to expose my idols and to teach me to be more gentle, kind, patient, longsuffering and forgiving.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to you. When we were pregnant with our first (we have 3 now), we heard lots of doom and gloom about how hard marriage would get once we had the baby. So we got really nervous and then...nothing happened. We were still a great team and friends. Then we got pregnant with the 2nd (6 months after the 1st) and people basically said, "Oh, your marriage is fine after the first? Well....just WAIT until the 2nd one comes!" So we got really REALLY nervous and then...nothing happened. We did have a hard time with some areas of our marriage after the 3rd one, but a lot of that was just due to unrealistic expectations thinking the third one would be "easy' because we were "pros" by now and some of it was due to my struggles with postpartum depression. But 15 months later and we're great again...every marriage has ups and downs regardless of whether or not you have kids.
ReplyDeleteLooking back, I think you're right that many of the marriages that do seriously struggle after kids had issues that they didn't deal with and the pressure of kids just brings all that bubbling to the surface.
Oh the sleep deprivation....I remember being so delusionally tired after the first baby was born that I literally felt like my husband was speaking a foreign language...I just didn't understand anything he said to me. And vice versa. Lots of conflicts happens when you are that tired.
ReplyDeleteHaving kids and working through the struggles that come from it is very character growing. I feel stretched and challenged about my own personal sinful attitudes on a daily basis and am forced to remind myself of what Christ has already done for me - that He has already made me a new creation and I don't have to act impatiently or harshly or selfishly. Parenting is definitely the experience that God has been using to teach me those things. But I think that if we hadn't had kids, another situation would have been used in place of parenting.
I love the thoughts here! (and your gracious balanced answers :) ) i don't have kids yet. And I don't think they wreck marriages. Unless we allow them to anyway :). That's my .2 cents thought.
ReplyDeleteI like this statement from you " If a couple doesn't have kids that reveals selfishness and other ungodly attitudes, there will probably be another situation that God uses to reveal the same things." Great post, as always!
I have no doubt that it's a very growing, maturing process! But I think the most important thing is being completely honest with yourself about what having one or more children mean--the literal life-long responsibility and ramifications. It just seems to me, that like marriage, few people stop and simply take time to think, and look ahead into the future before making life-changing commitments and decisions.
ReplyDeleteSharing the positives about most anything in life takes deliberate effort; that's why I'm thankful for marriage blogs like yours--as a single person, I would NEVER hear any personal, real-life encouraging truths about the blessing of those life-long commitments. It just doesn't happen; negativity is everywhere, and it's often a real challenge to hold onto hope for marriage as God designed.
I agree that people should be completely honest with themselves about what having kids will mean long-term. That being said, I will say that despite thinking that having a child would be beautiful and sweet, I also had some understanding that it would be difficult. I just don't think anyone understands how difficult it will be. We all form theories of what we are going to do with our kids, how we will teach them, how they will respond to us, how much time we're going to spend time with them, etc, but the truth is that having children is the most unpredictable situation you will ever find yourself in. It is a situation that you just can't plan for that well because you are dealing with an individual, not a puppet. I cannot tell you how out of control I feel as a parent, despite my grand plans and intentions pre-children. So, most of us know it's a big responsibility and will be a life-long experience, but I also think that most people are completely and utterly shocked at just how hard it is. No matter what I say to you or what any other parent says to you, you will feel prepared now, but once it happens, you will be on your knees praying every single day because you will have no earthly idea what you are doing.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more--as deeply as I long and yearn for marriage and intimacy, I feel completely inadequate for it, and frankly, very afraid of it. There's no lack of horror stories about marriage and what can go wrong;
ReplyDeleteeven for those who had the best of intentions. I know that marriages can (and by God's grace do) succeed, but I feel too much like the character "Two-Face" in Batman--helplessly stuck between two contrasting views and persona's.