First of all, let's start with the verse that the question is coming from:
Older women are to...train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. (Titus 2:3-5)Yes. The "working at home" thing. One of the touchiest subjects that Christian women can discuss.
I don't really want to debate whether or not wives/moms should be working outside the home; I think that's a decision that needs to be carefully considered by each couple. However, I read this comment from an older woman regarding family priorities and wondered what you all thought (and please keep in mind that this is a personal observation of what can happen, not a blanket statement of what always happens):
My personal observation over the years is that the priority deteriorates into job first, children second, household responsibilities next, and last is the husband, who is now required to be one of the wife's workers instead of the wife being the husband's helper, helpmate or helpmeet. Yes, I know they can and should help from time to time but who does God call to this responsibility?
What's your reaction?
For those of you who work outside the home, what has been your experience? How do you make sure you are fulfilling this call to be a "worker at home" as well? When you look at your daily life, where does your husband/marriage rank? How are you working to help your marriage thrive?
For everyone, if you honestly evaluated your life, where does your husband rank in terms of priorities? What do you do specifically to put your marriage first?
Ready. Set. Go.
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Personally, I struggle with this as I (unintentionally) make more than my husband, and neither of us make very much. My paychecks are necessary to our family. I would love to stay at home and take care of things better. I have always felt that that was where I was supposed to be. But my husband is stuck in a low paying job and he has applied for other jobs but it is unlikely that he will be able to find a job that will cover at least what we both make. I really struggle with having enough energy when I get home to take care of our daughter and the house. I agree with the statement above but what do you do when there is no other choice but to work outside the home?
ReplyDeleteAccepting my role as my husbands helpmeet has been a real challenge. However, I found that when I did I was less resentful, less sarcastic and snotty, and much more at peace with God. I know that its counterculture but it is God's plan! (By the way, I am a working mom)
ReplyDeleteI have almost always worked outside the home, although much less when my children were young (freelance or very part-time). As they got older I increased my outside work, so that by the time our youngest was in high school I was working in an 8/10 position (4 days a week). Now that he is a freshman in college, I will probably go full-time, at my husband's request, in the next few months. The personal observation you posted has not been true for me. My priority has always been husband and children, then work. Yes, I want to do a very good job in my work, but it isn't my highest priority. Although it can be hard to be working outside the home, even part-time, when your children are young, i really did not experience an ongoing home vs. work struggle most of the time. Staying home full-time would have been very difficult for me - I just am not made that way. My husband always supported my work, and my salary helped us send our children to a church school, which is something that was important to us.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of it depends on why a woman works. Is it because her husband needs the extra income? Is it the kind of job she must bring home with her? There is a big difference between a woman who works out side the home in a job she can leave there, and a woman who is pursuing a career. My mother worked outside the home on and off as I grew up, but she was a bank teller, and she didn't need to bring work home with her. What of the woman whose work must come home with her, such as a lawyer or a business woman, or a doctor who may get called out. The dynamics between husband and wife will change, and may also involve extra childcare. It's an intensely personal issue. I know that here in Canada, statistics show that most working women still do the majority of the childcare and domestic work, even if they work 30-40 hours per week. I worked with a woman executive before I was married and she said to me, "I feel guilty at home because I'm not working; I feel guilty at work because I'm not at home. I have no sense of peace." I think it must be very difficult to keep priorities straight when working full time, because the husband is probably the one who needs the least attention on a practical level. The kids need their mother, and mother could get fired if she doesn't perform well. It's a difficult issue, to be sure. And for women who want to stay at home but can't, I feel much sympathy for. It's difficult,
ReplyDelete"The husband is probably the one who needs the least attention on a practical level"...when I was pregnant with our first baby, I quit my teaching job to stay home. 6 months later, my school called to offer me my job back and I seriously considered it for a whole day (until the next day when I found out I was unexpectedly expecting our second baby!) Although I loved teaching French, when I evaluated our life, I felt like personally, something would have to give if I was going to work. Either my kids would lose out or I wouldn't put as much effort into teaching or I wouldn't take care of myself/exercise or I would ignore my husband. Despite what feminism likes to say, you just can't have it all AND do it all well. I had a feeling that my husband would be the first person to lose out and that has definitely also swayed me from getting back into teaching.
ReplyDeleteI didn't say in my post, but I'm a stay at home mom so I don't have the experience of working but your point about your mindset of work never being a top priority for you is probably key to balancing both areas. And it's probably also key to maintaining a healthy balance when your husband is both asking you to work and happily supporting you.
ReplyDeleteThat conversation was great! I love how you were respectful and willing to do what he asked, but you also honestly pointed out the reality of the situation for you guys. The kind of evaluation you did together is really important for every couple to do when considering whether a wife/mom will work outside the home (or inside the home, for that matter...both take extra time.)
ReplyDeleteIf I may, I would like to add to the discussion some of my observations.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I believe that when it comes to priorities it is foundational to view them first and foremost through the lens of identity. Understanding who I am in Christ, what His Word says about me as a believer and how He has uniquely gifted me are of significant importance in the discussion. If I set my priorities based on how someone else lives their life or any other list of "should's" I am missing out on learning to depend and trust that the Holy Spirit is actually alive and present in my life. Knowing who I am and learning to trust the Holy Spirit is the first step towards peace.
Secondly, I believe it is important to distinguish the difference between priorities and purpose. It is my conviction that there is one over arching purpose in the life of all believers. We are to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. My purpose is to glorify God. Unfortunately, I have seen many people adopt their identity and their purpose from their current role. Many people make their husband, their children or their work their purpose. It's important to remember that what I do does not define who I am or give me purpose. As one who has placed my faith in Jesus Christ, I am complete (Col. 2:10). I am no more or less complete because I am a wife and mother. I am no more or less complete because I am working or staying home. Those are
all part of a unique and individual calling that God has given each person, but they are not our purpose. Our purpose can be fulfilled in the midst of any life circumstances. God's deep love for me is not dependent on me in any way. For me to live life as though it is, that is called pride.
Spending time understanding who we are in Christ and then submitting all our roles to His authority and guidance is the only way we can peaceably relax into knowing that we are living in accordance to His perfect and pleasing will for us as individuals.
Hope I didn't muddy the waters too much!
Blessings!
Megan
You are absolutely right, Elizabeth; you can't have it all. But you can have all God wants for you! You've generated some great discussion lately :)
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. We are the same way. Hubby loves his job and is great at it. If he wanted he could get another job as well. But he is not motivated in such a direction.
ReplyDeleteI work because I have to and I do enjoy what I do. I don't have to "bring my work home" although I often bring funny stories. :) I make more than he does and while I wouldn't have to work as much. My opinion is that while I don't have kids, I may as well work.
Our greatest struggle is the wintertime, where he is laid off for 6 weeks and I still have to work. Leaving at 6 in the morning when I know he will be in bed for another 4 hours really gets to me at times.
So you have a great question. I would like to hear the answer. :)
Wow. That's an awesome discussion. I work outside the home right now and I have to say it is rough. It is just DH and I at home so I don't need to be at home full time but I am really hoping that someday soon I can go to part time. We both work at the same place so we carpool and save money. Live on his salary and use mine to pay of student loans. I love that we can use the money for something awesome but it's difficult in that I want to be home. Our house is a mess and I feel like a failure as a wife because the house isn't clean. I know I should clean after work but it's hard to get rid of the "I just worked 8 hours too. I deserve a break like him." mindset.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elizabeth
ReplyDeleteThank you, Megan. This is very insightful and helpful. It clarifies for me why the same thing is not always the right thing for every woman/marriage/family.
ReplyDeleteWow, that sounds like a really ideal plan and that is one of the best decisions that you've made to put your salary towards paying off the student loans. That's pretty much what my salary went for when I was a teacher (pre-kids, for 4 years). If you have kids and decide to be home full-time, you will be SO glad you paid off that debt first. I'd say that if you're paying off debt, you are hardly a failure of a wife!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I will say that with raising 3 kids, homeschooling (and blogging :)), it's hard to keep up with the housework, and I'm home all day. I tried a housekeeping schedule and yeah...I'm not disciplined enough for it, but it might work for someone else. The idea of just doing a little bit a day is much more manageable than thinking about coming home from work and cleaning a huge amount.
Incidentally, I have the same mindset of "I just spent all day being a homemaker, I deserve a break" too. :) Doesn't necessarily change if you are at home full time.
No muddying of waters at all! :) You're so right that before we see ourselves as wives, mothers, career women, we should always look at ourselves as a follower of Christ. If we are seeking to follow His calling in every area of our life and prayerfully considering every decision, many of these debates (such as staying home/working home) become much easier. It isn't about living up to anyone else's expectations or following in someone else's footsteps. It's about following the footsteps of our Savior throughout life.
ReplyDeleteLOVING all the discussion lately! :)
ReplyDeleteI've struggled with this for a while. I'm maybe one of the few (?) who really just loves being home and being busy. Right now we don't have kids and only have a 1 BR apartment, but somehow there's always a lot that needs done cleaning, cooking, errands, etc. I just love being available (and not lazy) to do that. We do need the money right now, so I work part time, which I don't mind much. It's serving my husband and family. I have struggled with being bitter about not being able to do what I *FEEL* is ingrained in me: stay at home and take care of things, build relationships with other women at church, volunteer at a pregnancy center, meet with my husband for lunch, etc. Is it wrong for me to feel such a great desire? I know many who'd go crazy at home for such long periods, but I just have such a passion. I know it's not where God has us right now, but sometimes it's tough to be thankful for my current situation even though I know it is good and much better than what many have!
ReplyDeleteIs it wrong for you to feel such a great desire? Absolutely not! That's wonderful that you feel so passionate about wanting to be home and that you have a plan for what you want to do there. To quote Jim Elliot though: "Wherever you are, be all there". Working part time is where you are, and you are helping your family, which is absolutely glorifying to God.
ReplyDeleteI work part-time and have found that every situation is different. It depends a lot on the husband, I guess. My man is such a blessing and see our marriage as a partnership. His way of loving and respecting me it to help around the house on the days that I work. It has made our relationship richer and deeper to have to work together this way.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post and it is so nice to see so many like-minded women commenting! This was a learning curve for me. When I was finishing college, I decided not to pursue law school as I thought it would interfere with my future family. Fast forward five years and it was one of the best decisions I made. I came to the realization that my primarry purpose is to be a wife and a mother and if I need to work, then it should be doing a job that helps me to support those roles. I agree with a lot of the commenters, on how there is a difference between working to help your husband and pursuing a career. But the world often tells us that we (Christian women) are wrong and so many times people ask me why I don't try to climb the ladder a bit higher. It is because my heart cries out to be a SAHW&M but when/until that day comes, I will bloom where I am planted and try and do my best in all of my God-given roles.
ReplyDeleteIt is so great to have this online community where we can all help to lift each other up. Some of us may not have that in every day life, but we can find it here. God bless you all!