Rules of the Marriage Game

Likewise wives, be subject to your husbands, so that those who do not obey the word, may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives. 1 Peter 3:1

Do you ever feel guilty because you want your husband to change and are willing to dominate or manipulate to get that change to happen? Do you ever think, “If my husband were saved…”, “If my husband would take time with the kids…”, or “if my husband would just step up and be the man I know he could be…”

I think those things. I have goals for my husband. They are good goals. But sometimes they are all-encompassing. Those good goals become an idol. They are more important than anything else.

The verse above is talking about how a Christian woman should work with an unbelieving husband. But it’s not a stretch to apply it also to husbands that are saved. After all, if a husband who has no “saving life” in him can be affected by their believing wives, how much more can a man indwelt by the Holy Spirit?

So here is what this verse is saying: If you want to influence your husband, no problem. But, you need to know the rules before you play the “change my husband” game. God doesn’t say to women, “It’s wrong to want godly things for your husband.” Quite the opposite; he says, “If you want spiritual improvement in your husband, you have to follow the rules of the game.”

Last week, we talked about the first rule: entrusting yourself to God as the perfect judge.  This week the focus is “the rules of engagement.” If your husband can be won, then there must be some rules to win him over with. The idea that there are rules is a turn-off to lots of women, because we live in a day when the ultimate authority is what we think or feel to be true. If you want to play with those rules, go home.

If you’ve had a baby, you know what a mess they are to deliver. C-section delivery or the old fashioned way, it’s a bloody, slick, painful thing. If you are pregnant, sooner or later you will have to accept the reality of what the delivery is like. If, during any of my three C-sections, I had decided that I would make up some rules to avoid a messy delivery, none of my rules would have had the desired effect. Even if I showed up looking fabu in an evening gown, complete with tiara and glass slippers, sooner or later the gown would come off, the epidural would hit, and they'd jerk me around like a rag doll till the baby was out. No matter how much I try to make the rules, nobody follows them. It's the same for being a godly wife. God makes the rules, not me. I have to accept the reality of that truth.

Women can often make up rules about the best way to influence their husbands. Those rules could include you yelling and announcing how things are going to go around the house. Those rules could include you “leading from behind” where you don’t get up in your husband’s face to lead, but rather you are withdrawn emotionally or maybe you withhold sex to get what you want. None of the silent treatments are any better than the blaring-horn blabbermouth type.

Nope, if you want to engage your husband in a Christ-like way, you will have to accept that your rules are like my evening gown in the delivery room, a bad idea easily covered in goo. Tim Keller compares becoming a godly wife to the discipline of learning to play the piano. If you wish to play the piano, you must learn the rules. Then you must practice the rules, and this requires much self-discipline. If you want to be free from the rules of the piano, you will never play well. It is the same for being a Godly wife. In order to be a Godly wife, you must conduct yourself according to God’s rules.

Once we are entrusting ourselves to God, we realize He is the greatest influence our husband can have. If you are humble, God will use you to have great influence and be a real encouragement to your husband. But you have to do it on God’s terms, not your own.  

There is a way to win your husband, but it’s by your godly behavior, which we will get into in the weeks ahead. For now, you just need to decide if you’re here to play or just to bang on some keys?

Sharing with:  Missional Women, Your Thriving Family, Consider the Lilies, Christian Mommy Blogger, NOBH,