July/August Reading

Growing up as one of six children, I never remember seeing my mom without a book.  When I got pregnant with my first son, people told me I would never read again, and that just bugged the heck out of me.  If my mom can do it - while homeschooling - then I can do it as the mother of three.  As a general goal/challenge for myself, I try to read at least 5 books a month (yes, I'm a fast reader).  So since I'm always on the lookout for a book recommendation, I thought I'd share with you all what I've read this summer.

Fiction
Busman's Honeymoon - Dorothy Sayers
The fourth part of the Sir Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane mysteries from 1937.  I read these mysteries back in high school (my mom loved them too), so I decided to re-read them. Well-written, hysterical characters, and a good mystery.  If you haven't read these and you like Agatha Christie, start with Whose Body? to introduce yourself to Lord Peter or skip ahead chronologically to meet Harriet in Strong Poison.  

The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkein
I've read this before too, but since the movie is coming out in December (soo excited!), I thought I needed a refresher.

The Man in the Queue - Josephine Tey
I found this on Goodreads as a recommendation for liking Dorothy Sayers.  Same genre, same time period.  It was a decent mystery with a somewhat memorable detective, but I definitely prefer the quirkiness of Lord Peter Wimsey.

The Forgotten Garden - Kate Morton
New York Times bestseller.  I picked this up at a yard sale a few months ago, and finally decided to read it.  I couldn't put it down.  It flips back and forth between three different time periods as one woman's granddaughter tries to solve the mystery of her grandmother's origins.  It was creative and reminiscent of The Secret Garden.

The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
Again, I've read this a long time ago, but after reading The Forgotten Garden, I was inspired to re-read it.  Such a sweet story!

The Age of Innocence - Edith Wharton
I like classic literature in general, but the first time I picked this one up, I just couldn't get into it.  It was too depressing at the time.  It's the story of society man engaged to a very innocent young woman.  Although he is initially intent on following all the social rules, he becomes distracted and eventually somewhat obsessed with his fiancee's cousin, who has returned to New York after having left her abusive and very wealthy husband.  I found it very intriguing the second time around.

Catching Fire - Suzanne Collins
Oh yes, The Hunger Games trilogy!!  I know that some Christians are very anti-Hunger Games, but I happen to think they are extremely well-written, perfectly paced and woven with deep themes that make for great thought and discussion.  I've read these before, but after (finally!) seeing the movie last week, I picked up the second book to re-read it and finished it in two days.  Love, love, love.

Mockingjay - Suzanne Collins
Third book in the Hunger Games trilogy.  Not my favorite book out of the three, but it was still good.  And I was satisfied with the ending.  


Non-Fiction
Erasing Hell - Francis Chan
I also read Crazy Love earlier this summer, and honestly, I just wasn't all that thrilled with it, like I know so many people are.  I think I just disagreed with some of the central theology, so I couldn't connect with it.  But this one, I did like.  I thought it was going to be a tough read due to the topic, but it wasn't at all.  It was actually really easy to read and his perspective was so straightforward.

Healing Your  Marriage When Trust is Broken - Cindy Beall
My mother in law passed on this title to me (not having read it herself) as something that I might want to read for all of you.  Cindy writes of discovering that her pastor husband had had several affairs during their few years of marriage, and that one of the mistresses was pregnant.  Woven throughout their process of healing, she passes on very good counsel on how to grow through the devastation of the betrayal from an affair.  She tells it like it is, but her heart for others struggling through the same thing is evident.  Highly recommended if you and your spouse are struggling with infidelity or anything that has caused trust to be broken between the two of you. 

Grace-Based Parenting - Tim Kimmel
Much like Jenni wrote about on her blog this month, I just really cannot read too many parenting books.  As a rule-follower, I tend to get overwhelmed by the advice given and make myself feel like a failure as a parent if I'm not implementing all the strategies suggested.  So, this is the first one I've read in a while, and I appreciated it.  I identified with much of his philosophy on parenting and I liked his balanced approach.  He includes quite a few examples pertaining to teenagers which I would love to keep bookmarked for those years. 

7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess - Jen Hatmaker
I forget how I even heard about this one (a blog somewhere, maybe?) but it looked intriguing.  After getting fed up with the excess that her family was living in, she decided to take 7 areas of her life and focus on trimming down in each area one month at a time.  For example, for the first month, she only ate 7 foods.  For the second month, she only wore 7 items of clothing.  One month, they only used 7 items of media and another month, they only spent their money at 7 places.  Very convicting.  If you've read David Platt's Radical, I felt like this was the stay-at-home-mom-down-t0-earth-version.  

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making - Paul David Tripp/Tim Lane
I LOVE anything by Paul Tripp, so I expected to like this and I did.  The authors write about God's purpose for relationships and how He uses them to refine us.  They also take several areas of relationships - time, forgiveness, mercy, etc - and spend a chapter each discussing how to have a godly perspective on those areas in regards to our relationships.  This doesn't just apply to marriages; I actually found myself thinking through how to handle some other relationships in which I struggle to have patience and compassion.

Have you read any of these books?  What did you think?

What good books did you read this summer?

Sharing with: Deep Roots at Home, NOBH, We Are THAT Family, Women Living Well

What I Wish I'd Known About Sex

After my first post on sex, there were tons of comments on various issues related to marital sex.  Part of the conversation related to the wisdom that older-than-us women would like to pass on to us younger wives regarding sex.  Although I know that sex is a hugely important aspect of marriage, I'm not really a sex blogger so I asked a few of the Christian Marriage Association Bloggers for some help. There are a few very different perspectives that I'd like to pass on to you.  First up, here's Pearl from Pearl's Oysterbed sharing some things she wished she had known in the early years of marriage.

After the bright and shining honeymoon phase, real life sets in.  Our real life included three kids in three years,10 moves in 10 years, and one-income.  Here are some things to ponder and empower if your honeymoon is evolving into real life.

Sex is never going to go away (barring unforeseen trauma of some kind).  It's always going to be a HUGE part of your relationship with your husband.

Please, don’t be offended by this, but the kids are not first priority, your marriage is.  I mean, sure, if Jacob has a fever, or the baby needs fed, those are priority situations.  However, husband first, kids second should be the classification.   This should be reciprocal.  He should make time for you first and help you manage things so that you can make time for him.  

Do you realize that kids will only live in your home for about 1/4 of their lives?  Hopefully, you will give them the tools to have godly marriages for twice as long as they've lived in your house by modeling this priority.

Husbands need sex like they need air.  Even after the bright and shining honeymoon phase, they are still going to need to have sex with you.  There is a physical and emotional connection involved in sexual intimacy that is vital for the male.  Sex for Mr. Muscle, my husband, is equivalent for my need of conversation.  If I don’t have conversation with Mr. Muscle I don’t feel connected to him.  If he doesn’t have sex with me, he doesn’t feel connected to me.  Pearl’s post, Why Sex?, explains in biological terms what happens to help bond the husband through sex with his wife.

Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.  Compare notes.  Realistically, how many times a week would he like to have sex versus how many times a week you would like to have sex?  2, 3?  Make a compromise, if needed.  Set the days.  Discuss with your husband how he can chip in with chores or errands and help you be less stressed.  If you are tired from child-rearing, working full-time, etc., conserve energy as much as possible on the set day.

Talking about this outside of the bedroom helps eliminate the awkward bedroom avoidance.  I know all about it.  You put on your flannels and hope to go to sleep before he hits the covers so you don’t have to engage.

Sex is a gauge.  If you and your husband are in-sync, sexual intimacy is usually rolling along smoothly.  When sexual intimacy is rolling along smoothly, you and your hubby are usually in-sync.

If Sex is starting to feel like a chore, evaluate what is amiss.  Are you too tired?  Eliminate all but the necessary if stress is overwhelming.  Does your health need some attention?  Are you not spending enough time together?  Talk about something besides the kids, flirt.  Are you feeling disconnected emotionally from your husband?  I found that when I was emotionally disconnected I felt like an ‘object.’  Sole Secret to Libido may help if you are feeling disconnected. 

Find your clitoris.  Because sex is never going to go away (nor would I want it to!) if you haven't found your clitoris, relax and go find it.  Sexual activity should be tantalizing and pleasurable for you!!  It’s not all about him.  See Sheila Gregoire’s, ‘Sex Is Mutual.’  If you have never experienced orgasm during your lovemaking session, it's time to 'go to school.'  First, have a discussion outside of the bedroom with your husband regarding this.   There are numerous Christian blogs and articles devoted to just such a topic to help you find the 'button under the hood'.  Do some exploring on your own, get to know your lady parts.  Once suitably armed with info, initiate a lovemaking session and go on safari!  A large percentage of women climax during intercourse due to digital stimulation (i.e. with fingers, his or hers).  You and your husband will NOT be disappointed you went the extra mile.

There's also something known as a G-Spot (or Grafenburg spot).  It’s existence has been debated, but I believe it to exist.  Although, it’s exact location can vary from lady to lady, generally, it is about an inch above the vaginal opening on the anterior wall.  It feels like a rougher area of skin.  It has been purported to be an area where the female prostate is closest to the outer part of the body.  But, a 2009 French study conducted by Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldes, gave the world it’s first 3-D sonogram of internal clitoral tissue and it is a lot more tissue than one would expect!  My humble opinion, is the G-spot may actually be a part of the clitoris that touches the anterior wall of the vagina.  It's sensitive and works in cooperation with the exterior button beautifully.  But, it is effective only when a female is fully aroused.  It can be stroked manually.  Just making your husband aware that you would like him to stroke it with his penis can enhance the experience.

He LOVES to look at you!!  I know you may not like your lady parts all out there in the open.  But, lovemaking with a soft candle and on top of the sheets will blow his mind, especially if you haven't had the confidence to present yourself au naturale before.  The more you let him look, the more comfortable you'll be with it.  Greater body confidence may help you be more confident to try some new things in the bedroom (lingerie, positions, explorations).  But, only things you both agree are acceptable.

Keep the sensual mindset  For me, after the bright and shining honeymoon phase, I lost my luster.  For some reason, my mental state reverted back to told paradigms, sex is dirty.  I knew academically that sex was ok in marriage.  I lost my sexy to motherhood.  It was very difficult to mentally mesh mama and sex kitten.  I think part of that was hormonal birth control.

It helped me to think about my body and become aware of my nether regions throughout the day.  How does my earlobe feel right now?  It helped to read the Song of Solomon.  But, mostly it helped to have my husband tell me outside of the bedroom, what a beautiful, sexual, sensual creature he thought I was.  I asked him to tell me these things.

If I’d only known in the early years how wonderful a consistent sex life is for marriage!  I hope this empowers you beautiful readers.  You probably already have a good thing with your mister, but you can have an incredible marriage and family as a by-product of consistent sexual intimacy. 

The grittiness of life has helped shape Pearl.  Her luster comes from layers of experience and HOPE from the beloved Word of God.  Pearl’s focus is sexual intimacy and restoring waning female libido.  But, she has parented children with learning issues, has navigated the genepool of mental illness, and has dealt with marital conflict and sexual fulfillment issues.  She wishes to share HOPE with her beautiful readers to help them understand their men, marriage and sex.  You can find Pearl in the OysterBed 

Sharing with: Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, Wifey Wednesday, Women Living Well, Deep Roots at Home, We Are THAT Family, NOBH, Beautiful Thursdays

Ignoring the Need for Confrontation

One of the reasons that I started this blog was out of discouragement.  I was, and still am, discouraged by the amount of young marriages that are apathetically resting in mediocrity or actively choosing the path of divorce.  Right now I'm struggling with the question of how to love someone when you believe their decisions are unbiblical?  Divorce is obviously more difficult for the families involved, but it also leaves everyone else floating around in a very awkward place of trying to walk that line I described.  One idea that has been presented to me is the thought that at a certain point, a person's sin is between her and God and it's not our job to try to change her.  

That thought started me thinking. Some situations seem to be pretty set in stone and unchangeable.  Divorces are just happening regardless of how others try to help couples. But what do we do for a couple that we see starting to head down the same path?  Is there anything friends can be doing to keep each other off the Divorce Trail?

I think the answer is yes.  And it comes down to principles that Christians should be living by in everyday life when nothing traumatizing like divorce is on the table.

We can stop thinking that sin is innocuous.

"On the contrary, as God is holy, all holy, only holy, altogether holy, and always holy, so sin is sinful, all sinful, altogether sinful, and always sinful."  It does not matter whether our sin is scandalous or respectable, all our sin is sinful, only sinful, and altogether sinful.  Whether it is large or small in our eyes, it is heinous in the sight of God. (Jerry Bridges, Respectable Sins, p. 29)  

We can stop thinking that sin is confined to the individual who commits it.
Because we live in relationship with one another, sin is never confined to the person who commits it.  In some ways the American ideals of individualism and privacy rights have infected the church to the point where we no longer believe that we have the right to point out sin in our friends.  Paul wrote to the Corinthian church about this.  A man was sleeping with his father's wife and no one was saying anything!  He actually told them to remove the person from within their body.

Your boasting is not good.   Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump? Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump, as you really are unleavened. (1 Corinthians 5:6-7)

Do I think we should go around throwing out everyone who sins?  No.  There wouldn't be anyone left.  My point is that Paul knew that one person's sinful actions could and would affect the character of the others within their community, potentially causing others to stumble and the character of God to be maligned.  

We can stop turning a blind eye to sin.
I think most of us are pretty good at seeing our spouse's sin clearly.  We don't mind pointing that out to him and many of us tend to do it quite often.  But when it comes to watching our friends harm their marriages, we frequently do nothing.  Maybe it's part of the uncertainty of youth; maybe older men and women do this better.  As a young wife, I frequently turn a blind eye to the obvious damage I see my friends causing to their marriages.  I've had countless conversations with one friend about her part of their marital issues, but I've watched another friend repeatedly mock her husband in public.  I've listened to another recount disrespectful conversations that occur while the two of them are bickering.  Have I said a word?  No.  Am I close enough to them to say something?  Yep.  But I'm afraid to rock the boat.  I love my friends and don't want them to be mad at me.  And if I think about it, I can't remember a time when a friend has pointed out anything that I'm doing to harm my marriage.  Are they watching in silence while I sin against Dave?  If so, that worries me.  

What often happens is that many of us watch our close friends commit sins against their spouse and live in ways that dishonor God.  Our friend's situation builds up to a crisis and then we are finally spurred into action.  The problem is that it's often too late.  

Sin is hard to admit and talk about, but our approach to it has made it even more difficult.  Consequently, much that needs to be brought into the light never sees the light of day until it has grown so serious that it cannot be ignored.  Issues that were once small and simple are now huge and complicated, and the process of confrontation is much more difficult. (Paul Tripp, War of Words, p.140)

What should we be doing?  I think Paul answers that question in Colossians 12-17.  First he tells us to put on...compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience.  He tells anyone who has an issue with another to forgive each other as Christ forgave us.  Then he instructs us to above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.  After all of this, there is one interesting phrase where Paul writes that we are to let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom...  

Out of love, compassion, and kindness...out of a humble remembrance of how Christ saved us from our sins...out of a desire to bring peace and unity to the body of Christ...we are called to teach and admonish each other.  That means living in the kind of relationship with one another where we aren't afraid to gently help a friend course-correct to be back on the path of glorifying God.  The kind of relationship where it isn't a huge dramatic occurrence to correct each other, but the kind where it's just as normal as encouraging each other or rejoicing with each other or mourning with each other.  It's living in authentic community.  It's a lifestyle.  Remember the disrespectful comments I've heard about others' husbands?  What if I gently said to the wife, "Hey, I've noticed you talking about John in such-and-such-a-way.  How are you guys doing?" and opened up a dialogue about her marital struggles.  What if she never noticed how disrespectful it sounded?  What if changing the way she talked about him in public began to change her heart towards him?  What if that was a key to closing the distance between the two of them?  Why do we live as though we think that God hasn't called us to make a difference in each other's lives?

I know that ultimately it isn't really us and our words that will change a person's heart or behavior; only God can do that.  But "God calls us to be concerned with faithfulness, not with results (Ken Sande, The Peacemaker, p.182)"  Knowing that God is the only one who can change hearts doesn't remove from us the responsibility of trying to warn each other off the destructive paths that they appear to be on.  I wonder what would happen if we all took that responsibility more seriously and chose to enter into the inner sanctums of each other's lives instead of skulking around in the courtyard?

Sharing with: The Better Mom, The Alabaster Jar, NOBH, Graceful

Words For the Weekend

7 Steps to an Affair @ Hot, Holy & Humorous

When My Sex Life Sucked - Part One @ Hot, Holy & Humorous
When My Sex Life Sucked - Part Two
J writes about her struggles to have a good sex life while her kids were young.  She has some  advice here.  

Contentment Series: In Marriage @ Serving Joyfully

Wives: Sensual and Maternal?

From Elisabeth Elliot (can you tell she's one of my favorite Christian authors?) in Let Me Be a Woman which is written to her daughter:

I believe a woman, in order to be a good wife, must be (among other things) both sensual and maternal.  Marriage entails sensuality - an appreciation of the body and the senses as distinguished from the intellect - but a woman must also have a certain maternal feeling toward her husband.  Not that she babies him.  Deep resentment is expressed sometimes by women who feel that their husbands want to be babied.  But a wife must want to take care of her husband and to minister to him as gladly as a mother ministers to her child.

Let's talk about this one.

How do we walk the line between babying our husband and caring for him?

In what ways do you care for your husband in a manner that could be described as "maternal"?

What is the appropriate godly response when a husband does seem to require babying?

I may use some of your ideas and comments in an upcoming post so I'd love to hear your experience and wisdom and questions.

One Rule: No husband bashing!

Sharing with: Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, Finding Beauty, Consider the Lilies, NOBH, Christian Mommy Blogger

Lie #3: Abuse Requires Divorce or Submission

Abuse within marriage is so tragic.  So much pain, so much hurt, so much damage.  From what I have read, there seem to be two generally prevailing opinions on how to respond: get an immediate divorce or "silently endure" and submit to the abusive husband.  Many people seem to believe that these are the only two options available to a woman in an abusive situation, however, neither of those two perspectives or responses is truly biblical.  But don't take advice from me...take advice from someone who has been through abuse.  I'm going to step back now and let Ellie of Ponder Woman share some counsel on how to respond biblically to abuse within marriage.  If you have not yet read her personal story, I would recommend that you do so, in order to understand her background and put the advice in context.

Also, let me say right off the bat: Comments and questions are more than welcome, as usual, but as this is a touchy subject, let's make an extra effort to be respectful and considerate. 

Yesterday I shared how my marriage used to be; today I am putting forth some considerations for Christian women who may find themselves in a marriage much like mine used to be.  I don’t think that anything I say will make much sense apart from the acknowledgement that God is still God and sovereign in all of life so just keep that in mind.

Also, this is geared toward those who are in an abusive MARRIAGE – not an abusive common-law relationship, or an abusive dating relationship.  I won’t bother saying anything about the morality, or lack thereof, of living common-law; all I want to say is that you need to get out and stay out and never go back.  If violence is a factor in your relationship at this point, marriage will make it worse, not better. 

Staying Versus Leaving

If you are married to a man that is violent with you, should you stay or not?  The first thing to consider is whether any children are involved.  If there are children, is he being violent with them as well?  If so, I really believe that there is no question about this – LEAVE!  If the children are not being targeted it leaves more room for debate but I’m personally inclined to counsel you to leave and here’s why:  it is very difficult for a woman to think clearly and rationally when she is immersed in such a tragic situation. 

I know from experience that it is usually the soul that is wounded deepest when violence is present because the very act of a husband lashing out at his wife says that he views her as a thing without value.   We have a soul that has great value because it belongs to God so such an atrocious act by a husband serves to wound our soul far more deeply than any mark he can leave on our outside body because he is attacking the core of who we are through that action.  Because of this, it is so hard to think straight if a woman chooses to stay in the middle of that situation.  This is the man that she became vulnerable to and trusted to take care of her and to love her and value her all his life.  It’s enough to make a woman think that maybe she deserves what he’s doling out; that maybe it’s her fault. 

While I do think that some women may, myself included as I already confessed, contribute to such a situation, the carrying out of an act of violence always, always, always is the responsibility of the one committing the act.  Period.  Whatever part the woman plays is something she must come to terms with herself but she is not responsible for his violence toward her because it is still his choice to follow through in that way. 

Bottom line?  I think that it is better to pack up and leave for a time.  That way, you are removed from the situation and you can think clearly and rationally without the turmoil of such a tragic situation round about you. 

Get Help

This should be your number one priority after putting some margins between yourself and the violence; I cannot even tell you how crucial I believe it is for you to say out loud to someone that you can put your absolute trust in everything that has happened, no matter how ugly.  If you are not already in a Bible believing, preaching and especially living church then I highly recommend that you seek one out as soon as possible.

Whether you want to involve the law in your situation is a call that you have to make based on your situation.  The only thing that I want to say on this point is that you should examine your heart to make sure you are not doing it out of a desire for revenge but to protect yourself and your children.

Back to the church.  Once you have found a church where you can find real and true believers, tell them.  Tell them everything.  Tell them about what your husband has done and tell them what you have done as well, if anything, because you need the whole truth to be out in the open before healing can take place.   No matter how ugly it is, tell it all.  There is healing in revealing.  Sin thrives in secrecy and I never knew freedom in my personal life or my marriage until that crucial day in my life where I just let it all out.  I must caution you though, strongly, to not take this step lightly with just anyone.  It is hard for a woman in an abusive marriage to trust, I understand that so well, but you must be sure that the person, or persons, that you will speak to about this will be godly in their guidance and counsel.  

If there is a good Christian counselor near you it may be worth utilizing their services either in lieu of not being able to connect with a Church body that actually provides help and support in situations like these or using such an avenue in tandem with the church.  Again, I strongly caution you to make certain they operate out of a completely biblical perspective as situations like these are easily exacerbated rather than helped if it is not handled with the utmost care and diligence.

Healing

Healing can come, and will, if you will allow it; fully and completely.  You don’t have to learn how to ‘deal with it’, ‘get over it’, ‘forget about it’; you can be fully and completely free from the abuse that you have lived with.  The exact path that will lead you there may be different than mine or any other woman that has lived with violence, but I can tell you that the source will be the same: God.  He is willing and able to set you free from your past.  Will you let Him? It takes faith and it takes believing God, two things that are hard for women in abusive situations to do.

Our God is the creator of the universe and He is also the creator of our souls.  Do you think that He does not care about you, what is being done to you?  I understand the feeling that He does not care even if He knows.  Hear me: you are believing a lie!  He cares more than anyone on earth ever will!  You are a priceless creation, within your body is housed a soul that He Himself breathed life into.  He cares!  If you are but willing He will set you free from the pain and the power of the memories. 

For me this was not an instantaneous moment of glory but a difficult, almost impossible road.  But it is in the traveling of the road that the healing comes for we are traveling with the Healer Himself.  And what good would it do us if God snapped His fingers and in that instant we were set free from the situation and from the hold that it has over us?  He is certainly capable of doing that, but is it not much better that He takes us by the hand and walks us down the difficult road of healing? 

Because if He just granted our wish instantly we would be bereft of relationship with the Healer and so we would be open to going back to the same situation over and over again.   He would set us free from the one and because we have not learned we would wrap more of the same about us again.  Know that God loves you; believe it even if you do not feel it.  Believe that He cares for you and longs to have you bring your difficult burdens to Him even if you do not feel His caring. 

One more consideration on the topic of healing: I don’t think you will ever be able to experience full healing until you forgive.  It is a costly thing, this forgiveness.  The more your husband has harmed you, the more difficult it will be; the more costly the price.  And for what?  So that some man that you married who has done such devastating things to you can walk off scot-free?  How unfair is that? 

If we were talking about him, it would be the most unfair thing in the world.  But we are talking about you.  You must forgive him in order to set your soul free from the prison of hate.  If you will not forgive, you will hold on to the damage your husband has done and it will own you for the rest of your life.  It will turn you bitter with time. 

Depending on what the heart of your husband is like he may or may not care what happens to you; why would you cause harm to yourself to compound the harm that he has already done, and especially if he doesn’t even care?  Forgive him!  I know the price.  I could not have paid it without Jesus giving me the power and the resources to pay it.  It’s not a one-time deal and then you’re done with it and flying on the wings of freedom.  No, it is instead a deep and painful cleansing of your soul wounds that may take much time until the process is completed.

Unless God causes amnesia to come to you, you will always have some memories and until you are all done forgiving and cleaning out those soul wounds they will have power over you.  But when you have finally completed forgiveness, however long that process is for you, they will no longer have power over you.  You may look back on your life and remember and even feel a pang of sadness over it all again, but the power to cause you fear that comes with memories like that will be gone.  It is hard.  It is exhausting.  It is non-negotiable if you want to be free from the power they hold over you. 

This will be ever so much easier if he turns from his wicked ways like my husband did.  And so much harder if he doesn’t.  If that is your situation my heart is just breaking for you.  I know how hard it has been on me even with my husband being one of the few men that turns to God and gets his broken and violent soul fixed. 

I would be remiss in talking about this without exhorting you to pray.  You are not so much fighting against flesh and blood but against evil spirits that you can’t even see.  A very real and very present darkness is round about us all the time and Satan would just love to keep you and your husband and your marriage right where it’s at today.  Prayer is your secret weapon.  Use it mightily – moment by moment.  Do not stay in a dangerous situation but do pray at all times. 

Now, after you have taken steps to ensure your safety and that of your children (whether that included leaving the home or not) and you have overcome your reticence and possible feelings of embarrassment and shared all the details of your situation with someone (or maybe a group of people) who is/are godly and wise and your husband has been called upon to account for his behaviours and he reacts the way that my husband did?  Praise God!  I hope to hear about it sometime!  But the story isn’t over so fast. 

God is in the business of changing hearts.  I watched a night to day transformation happen in my husband in the space of one whole day.  The words to describe that elude me.  But I know that sometimes there will be husbands that will put on a show of cooperation with the church and the newly established accountability group just so that they have more of a chance of staying out of legal trouble. 

If you decide to believe your husband is willing to work within this accountability group and you agree to reconcile with him and move back in (assuming that your situation called you to leave to begin with), do this: watch him very carefully.  Don’t be paranoid, by any means, but do observe him through objective eyes and a prayerful heart.  He needs grace and mercy, yes, but you must not allow him to lay hands on you because it will cause you to possibly be in a more difficult place than before due to the crushing of hope.  And if you have once initiated a path of change and you then allow him to return to his old behaviours it may cause him to believe he is not really doing anything wrong because you aren’t doing anything about it and so he may become more aggressive still.  Leave at once if you can see that he was only putting on a show to deceive you and the accountability group. 

In closing I want to just say that God is the healer of the broken – even if your marriage remains broken because your husband will not submit to the authority of God, you can be not only safe, but healed.  If you are a woman that is in a marriage where abuse is happening, just know that I am praying for you even as I am writing this.  I hope with my whole heart that you will seek God and walk the path of healing with Him.  

**For more godly counsel on this subject, make sure you check out Jolene's post on living with an unrepentant husband at The Alabaster Jar. 

Sharing with: Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, Wifey Wednesday, Deep Roots at Home, Women Living Well, We Are THAT Family, Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, NOBH, Finding Beauty, Consider The Lilies

Real Redeemed Marriages: Out of Abuse

Hey, Warrior Wives!  I've got another amazing story of God's transforming power within a difficult marriage, this time from Ellie, who writes at Ponder Woman.  I know that some of you have experienced similar situations, and that there could remain some tender emotions and deep wounds.  If that is your background, I'd like to offer a gentle caution that there will be some discussion of abuse and sexual violence within this story.  Ellie will also be sharing her counsel on how to biblically respond to abuse within marriage.

\

My husband and I were married in 2005 and about as soon as the echo of ‘I do’ faded the marriage hit rock bottom and then continued to worsen from there.  We had gone through a three year period of dating that was fraught with warning signs of things to come but somehow we remained together and made it down the aisle. 

As soon as we set up house we came face to face with the reality of an insurmountable mountain of debt that Husband had accumulated prior to marriage which eventually resulted in bankruptcy.  This was a very, very difficult thing to go through.  We know that many marriages crumble under the weight of financial woes.  If this is you, I feel for you – I know how hard it is. 

Another thing that came to light after marriage was my husband’s habit of lying.  It was so bad that it would be accurate to call him a pathological liar – he routinely lied with or without reason.  If he was caught in a lie he became severely enraged and put the blame back on me.  For most of our marriage he blamed everything on me, including everything that he himself did/thought/felt/said.  Literally everything was my fault, including our extremely shaky financial situation that he had created all by himself before marriage – he blamed me for not working although I applied to every available job I could find.  It was that way with everything.  I suppose that that was how he was able to live with himself all those years - if it was all my fault then he really didn’t have any responsibility in our marriage and I alone was the problem in every area. 

Before you think that I was a good woman, let me shatter your illusion. I returned blow for blow and blamed him for just about everything as well.   I was a severely broken woman and I was A-N-G-R-Y like I cannot even describe to you.  Some of my anger I could justify, but certainly I cannot justify how I used that anger.  What I mean by that is that my husband had no business lying to me at all, most especially not with the frequency and predictability that he did, or about the things he lied about; he also had no business assigning blame to me that didn’t belong to me and so on.  These behaviours are extremely hurtful and especially to someone like me with the history that I already had and feelings of anger at such betrayal are normal.  However, I am called to handle that anger without sinning!  As you read the rest of this post just imagine that the whole timeframe I’m talking about I was screaming, cursing, and burying my husband under a mountain of scathing verbiage.  That will give you pretty accurate view of my marital contributions.

What it came down to was Husband would do something and I would react with anger.  This was the cycle.  Whatever the problem, it was almost always he that instigated it and me that flew into a rage and thus perpetuated the ugly cycle.  It began when I found out that he had lied about some very important things that would have caused me to seriously reconsider marriage to him.  He hadn’t simply omitted the information (still a lie anyway), but he had looked me directly in the eye on several occasions and verbalised an untruth that was very important to me.  This shattered all the trust that I had in him, which was precious little to begin with.

There were problems with opposite-gender relationships that did so much damage to our marriage that I’m not even going to bother trying to explain because I can’t string enough words together properly to illustrate the pain of it all.  It didn’t take long until we came to the point where we loathed one another. 

While I mostly used words and volume to attack him, he began to use physical force with me.  At first it was rough pushes into chairs.  Sometimes he would push me against the wall, squeeze his hands around my neck just enough to really feel pressure and terrify me but not enough to be physically damaging.  He would threaten suicide and he would throw things around the house.  He used words as well – very, very damaging words.  I hit him also – beating my fists against his chest and pushing against him.  The thing with the physical aspect of it is that he is twice my size and I am not a physically strong person.  This does not excuse my behaviour but it does mean that he could inflict serious damage on my body with little effort while I would only be able to cause physical harm to him if I had a weapon and the element of surprise on my side.  And it also means that I lived in fear for my life on several occasions. 

By October of 2007 I was so completely worn out emotionally and physically and every other way a woman can be worn out that I pretty well just gave up on life and marriage.  We had an eight month old daughter at the time and I chose to leave because I was sure that if I remained there I would suffer a complete mental and physical breakdown.  I still think that if nothing had changed and I had remained at that time that is what would have happened.  The long and short of it is that I left, Husband and I both had an affair, I experimented with drugs and alcohol.  We did reconcile three months later.  A few months after that he was arrested, charged and convicted on several counts of assault, and uttering a death threat against me.  He had degenerated into such a monster that I was afraid enough of him that I went to the police.  His sentence was eighteen months on parole and no contact with me for most of that time.

When we reconciled after the restraining order was lifted we had high hopes for our marriage.  He appeared to have made many changes and I thought I had too.  But it was not so.  Our hearts had not changed.  We had tried to change ourselves only and left God out of it. 

The one very good thing that came about through the law’s involvement was the exposure of what kind of a man he was.  Nobody but me had any idea what sort of man he was because he is a likeable kind of person; easygoing and sociable.  You would not be likely to suspect him as the type of person that would be capable of any of the things he did in our marriage.  Being that the arrest and restraining order were things that he could not keep under wraps his cover was blown wide open.  If anything, I was the one that looked far more guilty in our marriage than he before his conviction and that was just the way he liked it.  When he couldn’t hide behind my more obvious failures any longer, he became sobered up to the fact that he was considerably riddled with faults and failures for the first time.  This was a good beginning.  Unfortunately, things became even worse not very long after this new and promising start to our reconciled marriage. 

When things once again escalated into violence and then sexual violence, I sunk into such a deep depression that I stayed and I did nothing at all.  I had once involved the law and it had accomplished nothing, and I did not think that anyone in the church would be able to help me because the things that were happening were so disgusting and shameful that I couldn’t bring myself to say them to someone and risk being rejected and blown off because they didn’t want to be tainted with the ugliness. 

Something happened though that was frightening enough that I was jolted from my depression.  I had to do something.  I have always been rather a feisty woman and I have always given my husband as much grief as I’ve gotten from him – the only difference being, of course, that he has far more power to cause me physical harm than I him.  After he relapsed when the law had been involved, I was just so depressed and I didn’t do anything for a while.  But a day came where I had to wake up and make a choice.   

When I went to church with my daughter the next Sunday I told someone I needed help and they gave it to me.  I was surprised; I had said it basically out of desperation – grasping at a straw and not really believing that anyone would be willing or able to help me.  That was a turning point.  I confessed everything to this woman and she set the wheels in motion.  My husband was contacted by the pastor and called to give an account.  Thereafter we each were placed in a mentorship/accountability relationship with the pastor couple. 

My husband just broke before God that day.  He agreed to submit to the intervention of the church and be accountable to them (and of course to God) for his actions.  It is a marvelous thing that I am witnessing.  He is gentle and compassionate; slow to anger and quick to accept responsibility for his failures; he is affectionate and full of goodwill; he seeks out God’s word and prays.  I literally could not have ever imagined that he would one day be the man that he is today.  What God has done in each of our hearts and in our marriage is absolutely a miracle.  All the years that we kept trying to do things on our own failed and ended up just intensifying all that was bad already because we could not change our hearts.  Only when we gave up everything to God did anything change because He is the only one that is in the business of changing a person’s heart.  

*For more on the subject, Jolene at The Alabaster Jar has written a great post about living with an unrepentant husband.

Sharing with: The Better Mom, The Alabaster Jar, Graceful, Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, NOBH

Words For the Weekend: Sex Edition

Well, it seems to be "Sex Week" in the Christian blogosphere, so this weekend, you've got a whole list of sex-related blog posts.  Have a SPECTACULAR weekend (wink, wink)!

The Bible's Answer to Sexual Temptation @ Hot, Holy & Humorous

Necessities For God-Glorifying Sex @ Girls Gone Wise

Respecting the Marriage Bed, Part One @ Becoming His Eve

Lose Weight & Feel Calmer, Healthier & Sexier @ Calm Healthy Sexy (new blog!)

Let's Not Overthink Sex

After all the wonderful discussion about sex during my wifey confessions and then the follow-up about who's in charge of sex, I kind of don't want to think about sex anymore.  I'm sure my husband will thoroughly appreciate that.  Right....In any case, the only other thing I want to say about sex right now is this: 

Let's not overthink sex too much.

One Warrior Wife commented with a question about a particular difficulty and mentioned that she knew what she and her husband were struggling with was "weird".  All I really wanted to say to her was, No, no, no, honey!  Your experience is not weird!  Your experience is yours!  

Sometimes, in the interest of being honest and helpful, we discuss every detail of sex to death.  We compare ourselves to the experience of others and if we aren't like a lot of people, we think there's something wrong.  Now I realize that there really are some things wrong with the sexual aspect of some marriages, but just because something is different does not mean it's wrong.  

God is sovereign over every aspect of our lives and that includes sex.  He purposed every single situation in our lives to teach us something, to build Christ-like character in us, and to draw us to dependence on Him.  I've got to believe that God had something in mind when He gave me the husband He did, and authored the uniqueness of our intimacy.  The uniqueness of every different sexual relationship shows His creativity.  

Take it for what it is.  Get help for the genuine issues.  Don't forget that you're allowed to pray about it.  Glean just enough practical information to be helpful.  Keep making sex important and fun and pleasurable.  But also just relax and enjoy what you have been given.  And don't overanalyze it.  Does that makes sense?  

There is danger in analysis.  You can't learn the meaning of a rose by pulling it to pieces.  You can't examine a burning coal by carrying it away from the fire.  It dies in the process.  There is something deadly about the relentless scientific probe into the mechanics of sexual activity...[Sex] will not always be clearcut and simple.  In this matter, as in all others where your life is bound closely to your husband's, you will sometimes be aware that you need help.  Remember first that love itself - the "educated heart" - has a way of teaching you what to do.  Worry is worse than useless, it's destructive.  Paul wrote, "Don't worry over anything whatever, tell God every detail of your needs in earnest and thankful prayer, and the peace of God which transcends human understanding will keep constant guard over your hearts and minds as they rest in Christ Jesus."  It's God who thought up sex.  "Every detail of your needs" includes sexual ones.  You can talk to Him about them.  You can't shock or embarrass Him.  "If any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem he has only to ask God, who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty." (Elisabeth Elliot, Let Me Be a Woman, p.157, 161)

So, for now, all I have left on the subject of sex is a list of links for you to read this weekend, all about sex.  You'll see them tomorrow.  

Sharing with: Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, Finding Beauty, Consider the Lilies, NOBH, Christian Mommy Blogger

Who's In Charge of Sex?

Yesterday, in my "Wifey Sex Confessions" post, the comments took a really interesting turn that I frankly wasn't expecting.  I thought I was just writing a retrospective post about what I personally wished I had known about marrying my particular husband.  I hit a little bit of a nerve when I said (about myself): You should have sex whether you feel like it or not.  I'm not saying there are never legitimate reasons to say no to sex and that it's all about his desires. However, it also isn't fair for your sex life as a couple to completely revolve around you either. Sometimes, sex is the best way to show your husband that you love and respect him. And often, your desire will follow your actions. Once you start, you'll start to want it in the process.  In reaction that statement, a question was brought up about whether that was wise advice to pass on to wives.  I think it is a great question to continue discussing. 

Let me clarify something first:

I am directing this to wives.  Not to husbands.  Therefore, I am not going to address what I think their responsibility is with regards to sex.  The reason for that is because I think many women tend to latch onto what he is supposed to be doing and completely ignore or diminish their role and response and responsibility.  This is about us.  Women.  I simply want us to think about our part with regards to sex.  In fact, I want you to be radical and think like Warrior Wives who will go the extra mile for a good marriage. Forget him for a moment.  (And if you have the opposite situation, where you desire sex more than he does, ignore me, because that's a whole other topic.)

(And just for the record...I had a few older women read this post before I published it, just to make sure I wasn't publishing wrong teaching out of a lack of life experience.)

In reality, God designed sex to be a two way street, with both partners engaged and giving and considering each other.  Most wives have heard this verse:

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:5) 

One partner is not supposed to be dictating the direction of our sex lives.  It was designed to be mutually beneficial.  One person is not supposed to be controlling the entire experience of intimacy.  Many wives think this controlling the direction thing applies only to the husband and say that he should just learn to control his desires and sacrifice his needs based on the feelings of his wife.  Should he learn to sacrifice his feelings and desires out of consideration for his wife? Sure.  It's part of being unselfish and living in an understanding way with his wife (1 Peter 3:7).  However.  A wife also does not have permission to control the direction of their sex lives by continually turning him down because she "doesn't feel like it".  Yes, that is also controlling.  Should she learn to sacrifice her feelings and desires sometimes to satisfy his need and desire?  Absolutely.  

Dave and I did not really struggle with this aspect of our sex life early on in marriage.  In fact, we pretty much thrived in this area through the birth of two babies.  I really didn't turn him down all that often and he wasn't demanding.  And then we had a third baby.  I don't know why but Isaac's birth just came crashing into our sex life and we're still struggling our way back to a good place.  Honestly, I've been controlling our sex life by turning him down a lot in the past 8 1/2 months and while he's been incredibly patient with me, it has been extremely hurtful to him.  We've had several tearful conversations about it; at one point, he said, "You write all these great things on your blog, but we're not having sex."  Ouch.  I'm tired.  I don't feel like having someone else touch me after being around three young boys all day long.  I just want to be alone at the end of a day and have peace and quiet.  And sex is the last thing on my mind.  It actually has felt like an inconvenience, and I have resented him pursuing me and I have never felt like that before.  I will fully admit to you that I am wrong.  I am putting my needs completely above his.  That is where my heart has been.  

I know that some may say that I have legitimate reasons to say no and he needs to get over it.  Well, I think it's really important to evaluate our motives for decisions, and my motive in turning him down has been selfishness.  It's been a refusal to step outside of myself.  A refusal to believe that he finds me attractive when all I see in the mirror is a stomach riddled with stretch marks and a kangaroo pouch created by three c-sections.  A refusal to even try to get my mind in the right place.  A refusal to make an effort to save some energy for him by not trying to do it all during the day.  It's all sin.  I can't get around that.  I know that there are legitimate reasons for saying no to sex, and that there can be wounds that your husband has caused that will require a work of the Holy Spirit to overcome, but I do think that if many of us wives really dug deep and prayed about it, we might find that those reasons were, in fact, selfish.  Is it always selfish to say no to sex?  No, but it can be and we need to guard against that.  

I know that some disagree with me, but I have to standby my belief that there are sometimes when you should have sex simply to please him and to satisfy a need.  Marriage requires both husband and wife to die to themselves in various areas, and I don't see why sex should be any different.  What I am not saying...to be clear...is that if your husband asks you for sex, that you suck it up and march up the stairs to the bedroom like a martyr going to get your head chopped off.  Or that you can never say, "Hey, hon, it's been a really long day and my head just isn't in it.  Can we postpone this until tomorrow until I can really focus on enjoying making love to you."  What I am saying is there are times when you have to tell yourself that it is not all about you.  For many of us women, if we're going to wait until we're actually aroused and in the mood, some of us may never have sex.  Sometimes you will have to take a breather when he asks, go into the bathroom, and begin to flip the mental switch for desiring sex.  Guess what?  You can pray that God will bless your "sex session".  You can pray that he would bring the desire to you.  I can testify to that.  I've sometimes felt like, I just can't do this.  This isn't going to be enjoyable.  I REALLY DON'T WANT TO!!!!  And then I've quieted my spirit and prayed.  God wants sex to be good!  He made it for our enjoyment!  He made it to strengthen marriage!  

Please see all the "SOMETIMES" I'm including in the above paragraph.  Please do not read "ALWAYS" into my statements.  I'm telling you this because I have been there and in some ways, am still there. 

Every lovemaking session is not going to be a hugely romantic, amazing, mind-blowing experience.  God did design sex to be mutually beneficial and mutually pleasurable and if it NEVER is, then there's something the two of you need to work on.  Sometimes it's just about showing him that you know he needs this and that you are HAPPY to please him.  My husband certainly does not want to force me to do something that I hate.  But there are times when he knows that I am just not mentally there, and that I have chosen to make him more important than my emotions.  The sacrifice and service that he sees in that makes him feel respected.  I know this because we've talked about it.  If every single lovemaking session was like that, it would be very discouraging (and actually unhealthy) but it's not.  In the same way, when I know that he has chosen to sacrifice his desires and not have sex because he knows that I'm tired or emotional, I feel loved and honored and cherished.  I can only respond to this by doing the same thing for him.  It's a cycle of love and respect.  

I'll leave you with a quote by Gary Thomas from his book Sacred Influence:

[The wife] will realize that she, by God's design, is the only appropriate outlet for her husband's desires.  Anything she denies her husband becomes, by definition, an absolute denial, because he has no other place to which he can go to find satisfaction in a healthy and holy manner.

This believing woman may, at times, resent the fact that God gave her husband such frequent desires.  At various stages in her life, she may even resent the fact that only she can meet that desire.  At times she may even contemplate the benefits of the Old Testament concept of a concubine!  But if she's a mature Christian, she'll understand that God called her into marriage to help her husband - and in this area, he may need special help.  She might wish this weren't so, but she reminds herself that God's design, God's will, and God's explicit instructions from the Bible are foundational here. (p.191)

Let me also recommend Sheila Wray Gregoire's book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.  You can check out her blog at To Love, Honor and Vacuum and she frequently writes about issues related to sex within marriage.   

Sharing with: Wifey Wednesday, We Are THAT Family, Women Living Well, Deep Roots At Home, NOBH