When we first fall in love, we are consumed with thoughts of how wonderful this guy is. His smile. His wit. The way he smells. When we are dating and engaged, it’s so easy to just focus on the best parts of the one you love, while overlooking the little things. When your relationship is centered on learning about each other, having fun, and talking about your hopes for the future, it just seems silly to care whether or not he puts his dirty socks in the hamper or on the floor.
Fast forward a few years and a few kids, and our perspective changes. We stop dwelling on all the cute things they do, and start hyperfocusing on the things that drive us nuts. Yes, we are excited to see them at the end of the day - but it’s just so we can hand the kids off. What seemed insignificant ten years ago is now enough to make you erupt at the end of a very, very long day. There are piles of bills, a crying baby, and dinner burning on the stove. With all of this going on, there just isn't any room to sit and stare into each others eyes anymore... right?
Well, let's pause for a second. Let's really think about this.
It doesn’t have to be like this. I’m not saying it’s not natural to let our stress spill over onto how we view our husbands - I’m just saying that there is a far, far better approach. Yes, you may notice things that bug you, now that you’re living together and sharing so many responsibilities. Throw babies and kids into the mix, and that adds a whole new dimension of stress. When a couple is in survival mode, it can be all too easy to focus on how you are not having your own needs met, and how your spouse may be falling short and causing you even more headache. But ladies, one thing I have discovered is this - and please listen up, because it’s important. You know the phrase, “I’m too busy not to pray?” We need to approach our husbands in a similar manner. Just as we are too busy not to pray, life is too demanding to not see the best in our husbands. We need to be allies, partners, lovers, and best friends with our men. We need to enjoy them so much that we can’t imagine going through something without them. God has given us a tremendous gift in marriage, and if we use it nitpicking and groaning about our spouses, we are missing out on something incredible.
Sometimes we don’t have very many choices in life, but this is one area where we do have some options. We can choose what to think about, what to dwell on, and what to allow center stage in our hearts and minds. Phillipians 4:8 (NIV) says, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.” Ladies, I want to encourage you to take a moment and dwell on the best things about your husband. Do what you can to let go of the things that bother you, and if it is legitimate concern - bring it up. However, if it’s just a small matter, treat him the way you would want to be treated - and just let it roll off your shoulders.
I can honestly say that my husband is my favorite person on this planet. When I see his truck pull up in front of our house, my heart still leaps - and it’s not because I need a break from the kids. I think he’s handsome, clever, and I’m always impressed at his creativity and intelligence in so many areas of life. Yes, I’m sure that if were to switch gears, I could look around and start noticing things about him that bug me. But you know what? He could do the same thing, and I’d bet that his list would be a lot longer than mine. We have gone through so much in life, I realize now more than ever how much I love him, and how much I genuinely like him. And I don’t say this as an inexperienced newlywed, either - my husband and I have known each other for 15 years, and we have faced a multitude of struggles together. The key to facing those struggles though, is keeping a mindset that is focused on the Lord, on what He has given us, and on glorifying Him in our marriages. And you know a great way to do that? By celebrating our marriages. By focusing on the best in our husbands, and genuinely enjoying our guys.
So yes, while somewhere along the way we do start to notice those little (or big) things that drive us nuts, and while life can hit you hard, and parenting can make you feel crazy, it doesn’t have to take over your relationship. I want to take moment to encourage you to stop, regroup, and start thinking instead about all of the things you love about your husband. Make a list if it helps. And tonight, after the kids are in bed, take some time and just enjoy being together. The dishes can wait. The laundry can stay messy. You are married to the man that God has chosen specifically for you, so go delight in that.
Sharing with: Wifey Wednesday, Deep Roots at Home, We Are THAT Family, NOBH, Women Living Well, Thriving Thursdays, Rediscovering Domesticity, Thought Provoking Thursday, Thoughtful Thursday, Hearts for Home Thursday, Beautiful Thursday,
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
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The key to really loving someone is doing real life with him. People ditch marriages for the "feel good" of infatuation, and when they find it easily in the shallow end with someone else, they'll have the same experience in a few years; they don't understand how relationships really work. They expect instant success after the "I do." The infatuation feelings we have when we first meet omit all the negatives. Love, unlike the saying, doesn't remain blind. It has a miracle healing about 2 years into marriage, and suddenly, everything comes clear. The good, the bad, and the ugly ... and we tend to focus on the latter two.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is work. Those of us who have been through it for very long know it. Anyone who has struggled with pitfalls and lethal hits to the sanctity of it knows it. It's all the little things that help us power up for the big things.
To appreciate the increase in love, we have to do the small battles and big wars with the mainstay that this IS for life. Better or worse. Couples who throw in the towel after a few years of waning infatuation never find the joy, the pinnacles (there are many, which doesn't define pinnacle very well, does it?) and the breath-taking view from the top after wandering, sometimes aimlessly, through the valleys.
This topic has been on my mind a lot recently as I hear from friends that are struggling to see good in their marriages. I am like you and absolutely in love with my husband, but I can say he makes it very easy. Thanks for posting and sharing your insight and advice! I know this is something a lot of women are struggling with!
ReplyDeleteThis is such a hard battle! I think it truly begins with prayer = "Lord, help me to see the good and be gracious to my husband!"
ReplyDeleteI agree with you = my husband is so gracious to me, but I have a really hard time doing the same in return. Definitely a spiritual battle in my heart and I am praying for victory!
My husband makes it pretty easy too but I do think that it's a discipline that we should all get into the habit of doing from the very beginning. Sometimes we allow ourselves to get into a habit of being critical and then it is much harder to move back to a place of remembering all the awesome things about him.
ReplyDeleteThat was beautifully written, Amy...
ReplyDeleteI think you're right...it does begin with prayer and probably some "taking thoughts captive". We probably have to stop allowing in the negative thoughts first and then replace them with the good. I think it's a process that we grow in over time.
ReplyDeleteThis is why the Bible says for the older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands and their children. We need it!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this bit of encouragement! What a great way to to put Phillipians 4:8 to practical use!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're encouraged, Christine! :) Thanks - that verse sprang into my mind when I was writing.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Gwen! I love going to Bible Study and presenting issues or questions to some of the older ladies our group as well. Hearing advice from folks who have been married twice as long is really helpful. It's all a learning process. :)
ReplyDeleteIt really is a battle - well said!
ReplyDeleteYes, Elizabeth is right. The more we do replace those negative thoughts, the easier it becomes - and I think it's an upward cycle as well. We can either go up or down in that cycle, so up we go. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Tyanne - I agree, I hear a lot of women struggling with this! I've been there - but I really feel like God has molded my heart and worked in me over time, and it's really encouraging.
ReplyDeleteWow, yes Amy - that was really well stated!
ReplyDeleteGreat post.
ReplyDeleteThis was so helpful today. I was having trouble letting go after a fight and forgiving my husband, but I just made a list of the top 10 things I love about him, and it completely changed my attitude. Instead of focusing on the few things that irritated me, I started thinking about all of the reasons why I love my husband.
ReplyDeleteThat's so wonderful that you were able to discipline yourself to do that...I have to admit that it is way easier to focus on the irritations than on the positives.
ReplyDelete