What Younger Women Should Know Now
As far as the "mechanics," and the importance of sex, I think young women have an overload of such information. Even looking around at some of the "sex blogs" by Christian women, I think the amount of information is not the biggest issue. I think how it is used and perceived is more crucial.
What I think young women need to know is that sex can become an idol. The pursuit of an orgasm can become an idol. There can be a great sex life at the same time as a difficult marriage. Sex is so physically pleasurable that it can make a woman feel intimate with her husband, but the next day, the problems are there. We need to remember that emotional intimacy must come from areas other than sex. What I think young woman need to know is not to idolize sex. They need to cultivate intimacy with their husbands through time spent together; lots of time. Even if it means you don't have much "girlfriend time" or he doesn't get to golf one weekend, couples need to cultivate time together, laughing together, praying together, talking together. I think there is a number of women out there who are perpetuating the idea that as long as the sex is good the marriage isn't good. That simply isn't true.
Honestly, the information about the how to and the tips are there. We live in a hugely sexualized culture. What we lack is sound reasoning about how to approach that through a biblical lens
What Younger Women Should Know About the Future
The potential for idolizing sex can actually become more pronounced as we get older. When a woman gets older and her body begins to change, and her libido is affected, as well as perhaps her husband's drive slows down (contrary to popular belief, that can happen) a woman may feel like her sex life is over, and she may very well become fearful and concerned.
First, estrogen levels begin fluctuating before menopause, sometimes in our early forties. That means vaginal dryness. DRINK WATER. It helps And use lubricant. Also, more frequent intercourse means we're more naturally lubricated all the time. Sounds like the breast feeding principle at work.
The potential for idolizing sex can actually become more pronounced as we get older. When a woman gets older and her body begins to change, and her libido is affected, as well as perhaps her husband's drive slows down (contrary to popular belief, that can happen) a woman may feel like her sex life is over, and she may very well become fearful and concerned.
First, estrogen levels begin fluctuating before menopause, sometimes in our early forties. That means vaginal dryness. DRINK WATER. It helps And use lubricant. Also, more frequent intercourse means we're more naturally lubricated all the time. Sounds like the breast feeding principle at work.
Second, men will have erections that wax and wane on occasion, even before they are fifty. That may mean finding alternate ways to bring a man to orgasm. Ed Wheat in his book Intended For Pleasure discusses this. Most important, try to be encouraging about it. Men are sensitive. It's also important that we help our husbands to unwind. Stress is a real erection killer.
Third, it may take longer for orgasm on both parts. For us as women, estrogen loss means thinning of the vaginal walls, and less sensitivity. It's more important than ever that foreplay be good, and if your husband hasn't learned what a clitoris is, now is the time. When we were first married, I could honestly just think about being with him and be aroused. Now, at 47, I can get there, but it takes more than just thinking about him.
Fourth, IT'S GREAT WHEN YOU'RE OLDER!!! We have one child at home now, and he is frequently working in the evenings, so a lot of time we can be together while he's gone, leave the bedroom door open, make noise, or whatever we want! Plus, not waiting until 11:00 when bedtime rolls around means we're not both tired and it's more enjoyable.
I think the most important thing I'd want younger women to know is that the issues of erectile dysfunction or whatever are extremely sensitive and a wife should be very careful about whom she confides in. She needs to be patient and loving. Sometimes, just being naked together in the tub, or in bed, without promise of orgasm is needed to deal with the issues.
Any older women have anything to add?
Any younger women have questions to ask the older women?
Feel free to ask and respond anonymously.
(The author will be replying to your comments as "KH".)
(The author will be replying to your comments as "KH".)
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Wonderful advice ~ married 42 yrs come Nov :)
ReplyDeleteJust wait till you have the house all to yourselves :D
Obviously I have a whole blog dedicated to giving older woman advice on marriage and sexuality, but here are a couple of biggies: (1) Sexual intimacy must be cultivated, nurtured, prioritized. It's not like the movies where fabulous sex happens every time without trying. Throughout the years of a marriage, there may be challenges like differences in sex drive, scheduling issues, physical and health barriers, etc., but coming through those challenges increases your sense of "we-ness" in your marriage. (2) Husbands equate sex with closeness to their wives. Yes, it's a very physical act, but they feel bonded to you when you make love. So while yeah, there are some guys who are pigs when it comes to sex, most of them desire sex so much in marriage because they desire to be connected and intimate with their wives.
ReplyDeleteMy husband will be very excited about that prospect! :)
ReplyDeleteI love this! I'm celebrating 23 years with my sweet lover on Sunday the 16th. We married and had a baby that very first year. I remember so clearly how hard spending intimate time together was for us. We ended up having 3 babies under 4 and the challenge for us was tremendous.
ReplyDeleteI love the place we're in now. Sex really does get better and more meaningful the older you get. While we do live with our 3 young adult/college aged kids still in the house....we are able to be the adult lovers we want to be.
And yes! We take advantage of all the "away" time our big kids have.
Great article! 30 years married...2 adult children...and empty-nesters for 6 years... Always have enjoyed sex,. My advice is don't wait till the house is empty...practice, practice, practice!
ReplyDeleteOh, 3 babies 4 and under is where we're at right now. It's a little crazy around here...but we're figuring it out! Just takes a little creativity!
ReplyDeleteMy husband will LOVE that advice! :)
ReplyDelete#2 is so true. Sheila Gregoire just wrote a post where she talked about that a lot too (I think you commented on it?) It's many times so different for us women, but we need to challenge ourselves to think about marriage from our spouse's perspective.
ReplyDeleteI don't actually think of myself as an "older woman," but having been married 27 years, I guess I am! As others have said, sex can improve throughout marriage; the idea that it's always going to decline is just wrong. Some of the improvements come naturally, because demands and responsibilities decrease as children get older, but both spouses also need to be intentional about ensuring that improvements occur. By reading, talking and praying about better sex and increased intimacy, couples can continue to have fabulous fun together throughout their marriages. One little piece of health advice - if both you and your husband stay fit and healthy, the likelihood of continuing to have great sex increases. Many of the health issues that cause ED and other problems are almost entirely preventable. So try to make sure that both of you eat well, exercise regularly, and otherwise take care of your health.
ReplyDeleteGaye