So why am I telling you all this? Well, because I'm about to tell you what I think of the book he and his wife wrote together, Real Marriage:The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together.
Going into reading this book, I had only negative expectations of a scandalous, inappropriate, unbiblical, terribly written book.
And...I actually really liked it. I'm very surprised, quite frankly. I realize that there are many of you who will completely disagree with me, or who cannot believe that I liked anything by Mark Driscoll, and that's fine. There are, of course, some things sprinkled throughout it that I either don't completely agree with or that were poorly phrased or whatever (and I'm not going to spend time nit-picking about those things), but really, I find that about every book. Here's why I liked it:
It was real.
Mark and Grace begin the book by sharing their marital struggles in a good deal of detail from the fact that they were sexually intimate before marriage, to their anger and frustration towards each other, to their misunderstanding of why each other acted the way they did. They spent many years in an empty and difficult marriage. Grace opens up about her experience of being sexually abused, and describes both how she healed from it, but also how it negative affected their marriage and how they worked through that issue together. Throughout the book, both Mark and Grace confess to the sins that they have contributed to the marriage - bitterness, harshness, coldness, disrespect, unkindness, fear,etc. I think we also have a tendency to think that pastors and their wives are goody-two-shoes who have never really struggled with any significant sins. Their marriages are perfect. Their kids are perfect. Pastors are all loving and kind and pastors' wives are submissive and sickeningly sweet. That bubble has been burst. They are humans who sin and who have to work through marriage issues just like the rest of us.
Dave and I really appreciate authenticity and we especially appreciate when friends feel comfortable sharing their struggles because we then feel like we really know them. I've chosen - with Dave's permission - to share some of the marital struggles that we went to, some of which are very hard to admit. I realize that not everyone is called to open themselves up so vulnerably, but I do believe that God calls certain people to be particularly transparent about certain issues for the purpose of helping others. I've read some honesty in other books, but it generally only goes as deep as "Oh, I was so frustrated with my wife at this time. Look how selfish I was!" I believe that the level of vulnerability displayed in this book is extremely beneficial and needed.
In talking to older women in my church about the generation gap that we're working on bridging, one woman observed that my generation really desires authenticity and relevancy. I completely agree. There really is a difference between what the older generation feels is an appropriate level of sharing and what the younger generation appreciates. Today with all the blogging and social media, we younger people tend to let it all hang out for everyone to see where the older people tend to be more discreet when sharing. I have a tendency to believe that both generations are falling towards the extreme ends of a continuum; we share too much and maybe the older people share too little. Somewhere in there is a balance between discretion and openness.
Do the Driscolls overshare? For the most part, I think that can only be determined by what they felt God was calling them to share for the benefit of others. If they stuck to what God wanted them to share, then they're fine. If they chose to ignore God's leading and go for shock value, then obviously they are wrong. But there isn't any way for me to know that. I really wasn't uncomfortable with what they shared, but that could be because my husband and I are pretty willing to share on the same level.
Many people have criticized this transparent aspect of the book, saying that Mark places too much blame on Grace for their marriage problems, only gives lip service to a few of his own issues and disgracefully shares too much about Grace's struggles. Initially, I agreed with that criticism, but once I kept reading through the book, I thought differently. First of all, this is their marriage. They've been through much counseling and I don't know why anyone else gets to say who was "the most" wrong in their situation. I think it rubs people the wrong way because he's a man talking about a woman's negative contributions. If Grace had done the same thing, and talked a good deal about how serious Mark's contribution to the marriage problems were, I don't think anyone would bat an eye. We're used to thinking that men are the offending party in marital strife. Secondly, Grace also puts a lot of the blame for specific issues on herself. It isn't just him. Thirdly, throughout the book Mark repeatedly acknowledges very significant contributions to their struggles (anger, harshness, lack of compassion, seeing her as his enemy, putting high expectations on her, selfishness, etc) and Grace also points out what she felt he did wrong. Not to mention that they did write this book together, which leads one to believe that anything shared within the book was the choice of both of them.
It hits all the hot topics.
Honestly, the book isn't entirely cohesive. It does kind of jump around from topic to topic with very few (if any) transitions. Their marriage story. Cultivate friendship in marriage. Men - stop being irresponsible and chauvinistic. Women - be respectful. Forgive. Repent. Don't be bitter. Sexual abuse. Pornography. What's your view of sex? Are you a selfish lover? What are Christians allowed to do sexually?
It's like a crash course in all the big issues that affect marriages. Bam, bam, bam! They just hit one right after the other. Everything they talk about are things that I have seen be the biggest problems in the marriages that I know about or have heard about through this blog and others. Many of the topics they hone in on are not addressed frequently or well in other marriage books. For example, the Driscolls write about how, after reading 187 marriage books, they found not one that significantly addressed friendship within marriage. I loved how they took all the Scriptures on friendship and relationships in general and apply them to our marriage relationship. There are so few resources on sexual abuse and how to heal from it, but Grace discusses her experience in detail. Despite the rampant use of pornography among church-going men, it is rarely directly addressed within Christian circles.
Ok, so those are the two main things I appreciated about the book. If you've heard anything about this book, it's almost certainly the fact that the very last chapter in the book is entitled, "Can We _____?" This chapter answers the questions that Mark and Grace have received from counselees and people they've met at conferences regarding what are and are not acceptable sexual practices for Christians. It merits a post all its own. Stay tuned.
Read Part Two: THE Most Scandalous Chapter on Marriage
Sharing with: Wifey Wednesday, We Are THAT Family, Deep Roots at Home, Women Living Well, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Rediscovering Domesticity, Thought Provoking Thursday, Thoughtful Thursday, Hearts for Home Thursday, Beautiful Thursdays, NOBH
Regarding oversharing and generational issues: first, all generations must turn to scriptures, not the generations or the culture for what is deemed poor taste or simply titillating information. Second, it sounds kind of mysterious to say that God may have "called" Driscoll to be too open. I don't agree. When my son tells me how his "oversharing" has caused the young men of his bible college to think about sex (and none of them are married, so any fantasizing outside of marriage is lust, and therefore a sin) and not marriage, I say that "God calling" is an excuse for saying anything one wants. I may feel "called "to say some thing to a particular person and feel like God is calling me, but that may not be true. Yes, I am an older woman, but I fear for my grandchildren when we use the culture and generational excuses of the world to justify becoming more like them.
ReplyDeleteI'm not saying that I think God calls people to "overshare" or to be "too open" - although I do think that's a little subjective - just that I think that He asks some people to share aspects of their lives that He may not call others to do. He and his wife (the co-author) have chosen to openly share their marital struggles. For example, there are also several bloggers within the CMBA who write openly write about their journey through infidelity with the intention of helping others in the same situation. Not every couple who has gone through that experience will decide to have a public platform...some will simply talk about it in a counseling situation and others not at all. I'm sure there are also people who think that those bloggers shouldn't have shared such personal aspects of their lives.
ReplyDeleteI'll talk about the sex section on Friday although I'm not going to evaluate any other things he talks about, just what comes across in his book. I'm aware that Mark has spoken and written in other places about sexual topics.
Kim, I haven't even looked at the book but to your point that Mark's "oversharing" is causing college boys to think about sex.... This is not the first book (christian or otherwise) to discuss sex. Those unmarried young men do not need to be reading this book right now, as they do not need to be reading a host of other books. The fact that Mark shared very openly in his book is not the reason why they don't have their thoughts under control. They are responsible for what they choose to put in front of their eyes and allow their minds to dwell on.
ReplyDeleteI have not read the book, but now feel a tad curious about it, based on the idea that there are so many struggling people out there, most of whom feel alone in their trials. They have no idea other people have jumped the very same hurdle, or have hit the very same wall.
ReplyDeleteUntil my husband and I went through the ravages of an emotional affair (his), I had no idea how "textbook" the behavior was, and that a horrendous situation would lead me to deeper faith and a more wonderful marriage than we ever imagined possible.
Having someone in the public eye share personal struggles, sin and daily life -- and give insight into meeting the trouble head-on -- makes the difference. If a book stands as mainly a revelation of misdeeds and explicit events for the shock value (ie "book sales"), well, then it's a romance novel.
In every blog, article and book I read, I find I don't agree with everything, just as the rest of the readership finds. Sometimes, my doctrinal beliefs don't mesh with the writer, or my idea of morals and ethics clash. I have to use my own faith base to combat these things in my own mind, or leave a comment that offers my differing point of view in a humble and helpful way. I'm not all that good at that, as I'd rather write, "What is the MATTER with you?" But, discussion helps. And books like this one may very well assist someone in finding he is not alone in his time of need. With God's help, he may find peace and solutions that really will work.
Yes, the younger generation shares too much, and a lot of it seems irrelevant to anything. Omit the drama and the "real" will come to light. What this generation needs is guidance from those who have lived it before -- with a willingness to lay aside the pride and judgment they grew up learning to employ, in order to reach out to the younger folks who really do need to see that their situations aren't new.
Krystal - I agree completely with your point about the book. I think what most people object to though is that Mark preaches on this stuff from the pulpit as well: http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage/can-we-________
ReplyDeleteGreat review. I downloaded the book last night and spend hours reading it until wee hours of the morning. I liked the way they approached the subjects. It was clear and open. Maybe I side with Mark at little more, since he was purposely deceived and didn't have the chance to know the truth before marrying.... I don't really see the problems others see??? But all that aside, I think they as a couple come together and balance each other and make great strides to help other couples avoid their very costly mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI saw SO much of my early marriage mirrored in their story. From abuse to dishonesty. It is a long road, but a road that is possible to travel and make it through, and come out on the other side happy. We now have a great marriage. We are now BEST friends. I don't have that "girlfriend" that I go to, its my husband that I love to talk to and enjoy time with. Our marriage is fun like that....now it wasn't always. We are friends. (I still like to go to girls nights, etc, so I'm not a shut in...haha). When I see a young couple, laughing, joking, spending time doing things each other likes, and with a delight in their eye, I know they are going to make it. They have found that sweet joy of love and friendship.
As far as from the pulpit issues. I guess I don't have an ounce of problem with any of it. If Christian churches and older couples were more open, this would be less of a shock maybe?
I guess I did a good promo at Bible study last night, huh? :)
ReplyDeleteIt's so good to hear happy things about married people being best friends!
I listened to the sermon this afternoon and it's honestly the first thing I've ever listened to by Mark Driscoll. I thought he was funny actually, but I can see why some people would be bothered.
Loved this review...
ReplyDeleteI started one back in Jan or February, but never finished it (the review).
My conclusions were very similar to yours and I'm very much looking forward to your review of "the chapter".
Thanks for being willing to tackle some hot topics...
Appreciate you friend.
Love,
K
Thanks, Kara...OF COURSE our conclusions were similar! Aren't they always? :)
ReplyDeleteYou did! I felt led to go read it. Now I need to get on to the other couple you mentioned....1000 something.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this book. I tend to agree with you about older generations sharing too little, and younger generations sharing way too much. I think we can see it a lot in blogs these days. Many women complain and let the world see their dirty laundry all over the internet and other women display themselves as having the perfect life. Of course they only post what they want the world to see :) I think finding a balance is the best thing to do. I love reading blogs that don't make me feel bad about myself for not being perfect, but also don't make me want to run and hide because I know too much about someone else's life.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of this guy until you brought him up.
ReplyDeleteI have been trying to read through this book on my lunch breaks at the book shop because I will not spend the money on it.
First
of all I do not understand why people are making such a big deal about
it; to me it is not shocking and really not worth all the drama. I think
that people are shocked and talking about it is exactly what Driscoll
wants.
In my opinion Mark Driscoll
is really no different than Mr. Pearl in his philosophy regarding
women, marriage, and sex. Driscoll is perhaps a little more “hip” but
still displays the same whiny, dominating, and demi god attitude as
Pearl.
If anything, reading a book
like this gives me a renewed sense of love and appreciation for my
husband who is NOTHING like Mr. Driscoll.
From
what I have read so far I can say that I really do not like the way he
speaks about his wife, I get the idea that he thinks she is beneath him,
and I think he is still holding past mistakes against her. Yes, she also
writes about how this and that was her mistake, but I do question if
this is really her speaking or just what she says to keep him happy.
I
will comment more after I have read the whole book, but I will say
though that I find it quite strange that you have used the word “vulgar”
to describe some of my posts, but I don’t see that word anywhere in
your review of this book. (And this book is indeed quite vulgar.)
Which parts are you finding to be vulgar? I didn't see anything particularly shocking in it, but I'm curious about what others are bothered by.
ReplyDeleteI have heard good and bad about Mark Driscoll and have fairly mixed feelings about him... This book sounds interesting. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the Thrive @ Home community. I am going to go read part 2 now! :)
ReplyDeletewell because i will not pay for the book i cant remember off hand but ill take some notes at the book shop next week. and im not bothered by anything but the fact that people are falling for this guys crap. the book really no different than lets say private parts by howard stern except that driscoll throws bible verses and Jesus around so christians eat it up. and im sure your would find howard quite vulgar. so next time i have something to say i think ill head it up with GOD wanted me to share this with you, then that makes it all good.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's necessary to pretend that God told you to share something, but if you pray about it and you find Scripture verses that elaborate on what you feel needs to be shared, then that's what makes it all good. I would love to hear a discussion of what you believe about marriage and sex from your understanding of your faith.
ReplyDeleteim sure you do, then you can judge me and throw some more insults my way. so im done with the christian blogging thing.
ReplyDeleteDisagreeing with you and taking issue with what you are saying is not the same as insulting you. What exactly are you feeling so offended by?
ReplyDelete