Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Wifey Sex Confessions

I can just see my mom and my mother in law recoiling in shock at the title. 
{Whispers} Maybe you don't want to read this one....

There's a reason for this.  Many of the bloggers from the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association  have been writing about all the great things about sex.  I've linked to some others at the bottom of this post.  But here's my reason: I've always felt like Christian women tend to talk in euphemisms when sex comes up, calling it "special physical time" or "being intimate".  While I appreciate their discretion and I understand that we live in a sex-crazed world, I've always wished that someone older and wiser would have sat me down before I got married and filled me in on some things.  I wish I had known how awesome it is.  So rather than giving you a potential TMI post with the specific things I like about sex, I thought I'd just tell you the 10 wonderful things I wish I had known about sex before I got married.  

1) Sex might hurt.  And it's a little messy sometimes.
Ok, I know neither of these things is wonderful.  However, both of them are things that I was glad a friend filled me in on, so there you go.  Thank you to whoever it was who told me to bring panti-liners and AZO Standard on my honeymoon.  And thank the good Lord above that I didn't need the second one.  Moving on...

2) Sex can feel really good.
The fact that sex can feel really, really good is something I picked up on from my friends at college during late night conversations (I remember one specific conversation during freshman year that lasted into the wee hours of the morning) , but it's rarely something that older women will tell you.  I think we spend so much time trying to persuade girls not to have sex that we never tell them how wonderful married sex can be.  I certainly don't think every woman should spill the beans on the intimate details of their own sex life, but would it hurt to say, "Hey, it is an amazing experience and it feels great!"?

3) It's okay to be sensual.
You're married now.  It's ok to try to turn him on.  He'll love it if you flirt with him and give little hints that you're thinking about sex.  I know that if you've spent yeras trying not to be sensual, it can be hard to switch gears.  For one of my bridal showers, my mom gave me Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.  I haven't read it in years but one of the points that still sticks in my memory is the description of the woman in Song of Songs.  If you haven't read it lately, go read it.  That woman is pretty sensual and erotic with her husband.  

4) Your husband will want sex way more than you do.
Like WAY more.  And it's not bad that he is like this, it's just different.  He's not a pervert.  God just made him to think about sex more than you.  (And I realize this is a generalization, but it isn't for my marriage so I wish I had known this prior to the wedding night.)  Never demean this about him.  Never laugh at him or make fun of him.  Accept it as a difference. 

5) Sex on a regular basis will make the rest of your marriage flow well.
Dave and I always find that when we aren't having sex on a regular basis, we're way more irritable with each other in general.  I feel like we miscommunicate and misunderstand each other very frequently and there's just something missing.  But if we are having sex regularly, we work better as a team and we're much more understanding with each other.  

6) Your husband will be on cloud nine if you initiate.
It's actually kind of a drag if he has to constantly ask you for sex.  If you had to constantly ask your husband to just sit down and talk to you (maybe you already have this issue), wouldn't you be irritated?  Wouldn't you feel like you were bothering him all the time?  Don't you want him to want to talk to you?  If you initiate, he knows you want him.  

7) It's okay to be a little scandalous.
Don't be a stick in the mud.  Don't be boring.  Try something new.  Try a new place.  Let him come home to you wearing an apron and high heels...and nothing else...every once in a while (well, you know, after the kids are in bed.) 

8) Don't allow yourself to succumb to embarrassment about your body and to therefore withhold it from him.
For me, staying in shape makes me more sexually confident.  That being said, I have had three babies, I have stretch marks all over my stomach and thighs and I had three C-sections so there's a nice scar (or two) down there.  I have to fight the urge to hold my stomach in or cover it up.  Another point from Intimate Issues is this: As long as we continue to listen to the world's messages about our bodies, we will never be satisfied with how we look.  Let's face it.  There are three billion women in the world who don't look like supermodels and only seven who do.  Instead of listening to the world's message, we need to listen to what God says.  God's message is: Rejoice in the body I gave you.  Use it to honor Me and please your husband." (p.36).  If there are things you could be doing to stay in shape, then do it.  If you need to lose unhealthy weight,then do it.  But don't hold yourself to unrealistic expectations of beauty and in the process, make your body off limits for your husband's visual enjoyment.  Most husbands don't care that you aren't "perfect".  And the more you hide, the more frustrated they get, especially if they truly think you are beautiful just the way you are. 

9) Talking about sex makes your sex life way more interesting and satisfying.
Your husband cannot read your mind.  If you don't tell him what you like and don't like, he's just going to do whatever he thinks will please you.  There are things that Dave likes to do that just really don't turn me on all that much, so I tell him.  If I want him to touch me a certain way, I tell him.  And we talk about sex afterwards, not every time and not in a dry, analytical way, but just about what was good.  And bad sometimes.  It just helps you to keep growing in this area of your marriage and it prevents bitterness from cropping up if things aren't going the way you desire them to.

10) You should have sex whether you feel like it or not.
I'm not saying there are never legitimate reasons to say no to sex and that it's all about his desires.  However, it also isn't fair for your sex life as a couple to completely revolve around you either.  Sometimes, sex is the best way to show your husband that you love and respect him.  And often, your desire will follow your actions.  Once you start, you'll start to want it in the process.

Ok, so those are my 10 things that I wish I could tell myself as a newlywed bride.  What do you wish you could go back and tell yourself as a new bride?

Check out these other posts from CMBA bloggers:
Confessions Of a Sex Happy Wife @ Hot, Holy and Humorous
Sex Positive Voices @ Do Not Disturb
Confessions of a Sex Lovin' Wife @ Mystery32
10 Confessions From a Sex Positive Wife @ The Generous Wife
10 Confessions of a Wife Who Loves Sex @ Intimacy in Marriage
10 Confessions of Another Sex Positive Wife @ One Flesh Marriage

Sharing with: Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, Deep Roots at Home, Wifey Wednesday, Women Living Well, We Are THAT Family

46 comments:

  1. Something that women are not told, and may not find out for a while is that your point #4 will change with your husband's age. Menopause often provides a woman with a feeling of freedom with regard to sex. The kids are not home, she isn't worried about her period, she feels confident. But sometimes, at that age, mid-forties, a man has more job stress, and his body just doesn't work the same. My older friends and I have discussed this truth. So hang on to #4 lightly, because age will change that. The sexual issues in mid-life can be very complicated and sensitive.

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  2. That's really good to know now...I'll have to file it away. Thanks for sharing what might be ahead of me!

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  3. I have to say I disagree with number 10. yes there are times when women don't "feel like it"....and times when we aren't into it, but from experience, having sex when you really do not WANT to, whatever the reason, can and will lead to resentment. Sex should not revolve around either partner specifically. It is a 2 way street. If we are to be open to having sex to please him then he should be open to not having sex to please me. So while I understand your thoughts behind that, I have just been in that situation in my 22 years of being married, and it is not a fun way to feel. FYI.
    And Kim is very right, life changes. Im not there yet or hope to not be anytime soon, but I do know several Christian couples who are struggling to find a new normal with changes.

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  4. Well, I did say that...there are legitimate reasons to say no to sex and it isn't totally about his desires. I completely agree that husbands should be sensitive to his wife's desires as well. But...I am talking to women here (not husbands) and many times women think their marital sex life should revolve around their desires and since many women don't desire it as much as their husbands, they end up just not having sex. I guarantee my husband would tell men to be sensitive and not pushy. If being unselfish about having sex (when you don't want to sometimes) always leads to a wife's resentment, then I would say there's a heart issue there that needs to be dealt with. I know that for me, most of the time when I turn down my husband, it's because I had an agenda in my head and he's interrupting it. Yes, I'm tired sometimes and I don't think that's always an illegitimate reason to say no, but many times I say I'm too tired for sex, but yet I can muster up the mental energy to focus on a book or a television show. Plus, I'm really just talking about what I personally wish I had known before marrying my particular husband.

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  5. Sam, my husband would agree with you.

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  6. These are very helpful; my mother was open about married sex (at least right before I got married), explaining that it's not bad, it will probably hurt, etc. But even after that, and after almost a year of marriage, I'm struggling with knowing that it's okay. It's SO HARD when most of your life you're told that sex is the worst thing on this planet (by other Christians...not my own parents), and then you have to try to put all those thoughts elsewhere when you get married...
    Thankfully, my husband has been incredibly understanding.

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  7. I didn't say always. But there should be times when a women can say "honey I love you but I just can't tonight" and maybe not tomorrow or the next day without feeling like they are sinning. I don't see it as selfish, and that may be where we will agree to disagree. I wouldn't speak for my husband but he would agree I think. If he thought in anyway that I didn't want to have sex or make love and I was doing it for his "needs" he would be upset. See too often we assume that men "gotta have it" or "need it or will burst" type mentality. And while I know sex is very important in a marriage and I love knowing that God designed men that way. I think Godly Christian men, want to make love and please their wives and enjoy sex together. Not the mercy sex, well that is what I call it.
    Please I understand what you are saying about this list being what you have known before you were married. I just want other wives to know that it is ok. And if it does go on for a LONG time and you can't bring yourself to have sex with your husband then yes there is likely a problem. But just telling women especially new wives to just do it, no matter your heart is a sticky situation.


    Marriage is full of so many hills and valleys....that is what I would tell new wives. Hills and valleys. You can almost feel the slope and feel the climb as they come. Just hold on.....


    I love your blog and forward them to friends often. I do have a few friends that are struggling and some that are divorced recently for "DUMB" reasons....just dumb.... Im hoping I can use this advice to pass on to them and anyone else that can use it. We are never married to long to learn new things.

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  8. I don't actually think we disagree...I think we're actually talking about the same thing. I'm not saying "You MUST always say yes to sex", but that you will sometimes need to let go of your own feelings and have sex because it will unselfishly serve your husband. It isn't always selfish to say no but I do think it can be, when we are choosing to focus on ourselves and our own feelings and refusing to look at the situation from his perspective. Understanding husbands take their call to be unselfish and to love their lives and not lord it over their wives to push them to have sex. And I think that husbands are different...Dave doesn't want me to HATE to make love when I don't necessarily feel like it, but he also feels like I am choosing to serve him when I do agree without a desire to. My husband has no problem with the "mercy sex" sometimes but he also doesn't want that to be the *only* kind of sex there is. And frankly, I'm fine with giving the "mercy sex" when the other option is a longer romantic version and I'm just too tired to flip that switch.


    I would really just say to new wives to evaluate why they are saying no to it. And also how often they are saying no to it. Are they trying to be in control of that aspect of marriage? Saying "No" isn't always wrong, but it really can be wrong sometimes.

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  9. I think it also has to do with our mind frame, sometimes I don't "feel" like sex, but once I give myself a chance and try and I actually enjoy it a lot more than I expected. Usually its because I've had a crazy day with the kids and know that even if I don't 'feel' like sex, I need sex.

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  10. Great post! I love it, it is a complete list of things I wished I knew. I loved your disclaimer at the top to your mom and mother - in - law. I may need to add one of those :)

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  11. The number-one thing I wish I would have known before I got married was: either break/stretch my hymen myself or get it removed well before my wedding.


    My husband and I had difficulty with sex right away. I was very tight, it was extremely painful for me, etc. Finally (a month and a half after our wedding) I had a surgery to remove my hymen. Even after that, and after two weeks of healing, I was so afraid of the pain (and expecting it) that it took a major pep-talk from my husband to help me realize that physically, there was nothing in the way anymore (literally) and I just needed to relax. It wasn't till we'd been married for about five months that we were able to have sex normally, and it took another month before my body was producing enough fluid so that we didn't need artificial lubrication.


    We could have been saved SO much trouble, frustration and money if I had known more about the hymen well before the wedding and done something about it (because I had an unnaturally tight one).


    Please, clue the engaged women in your lives in on this--at least they should have an exam done by an ob-gyn to make sure their hymen isn't going to cause problems! If it hadn't been for that, my husband and I could have had really good intercourse much sooner than we did.


    (Of course, all that being said, we are totally past the roadblocks now and fourteen months into marriage, sex is better than I ever imagined!)

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  12. "but that you will sometimes need to let go of your own feelings and have sex because it will unselfishly serve your husband"


    But with this statement, does a husband let go of his feelings to serve his wife by not having sex? I believe the yes on the husbands part can be really wrong too....Are you saying that if a new husband or old husband, whatever the age, wants sex twice a day, or everyday a woman should agree to that? Sure if she wants to, but does she have to? Putting her own feelings aside ALWAYS? Or is their a limit or boundary? That is what I have as issue with the original statement. I can't see deciding to not have sex to read or watch TV, and push away your husband, if he has a genuine desire to have sex. Just that blatant "NO". I mean genuinely don't feel like it is in your heart, mind, body, soul, whatever. Not replacing it with something else...that can be selfish and I can see that. Just do it, like Nike ad, and feelings will come along...they may come along, they may not.


    To often early marriages are failing because of experienced married women making new wives feel bad or inadequate because the feelings didn't come along. Specifically, I have a close friend who's divorce is final this month, that I have been tearful about for a while. This topic touches to the heart of their issues....SEX. Their marriage ended because of sex. And how often he expected it and felt he deserved it and she should get over it. He couldn't take the rejection. But advice to her from mature women was "honey, just keep him happy in the bedroom"...."you'll learn to like it after you get into it." And honestly their marriage and life of their children is changed because of it. Neither submitting to God in their roles in addition.


    So while I am saying this, I know what works for you and Dave and 1000s of other women maybe, there are those women who it doesn't. And they want to please God and honor their husbands too, while respecting themselves and their own emotions.

    I used to see this subject much more black and white, I did. I am a very black and white world person. As I have grown and genuinely listen to struggling wives, and being there myself before, I can see gray. I'm seeing more and more gray......Most of life happens in the gray...

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  13. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I will remember that to tell new engaged ladies. There are so many things like that that we don't think of if it hasn't personally happened.

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  14. Sam, you said, "Are you saying that if a new husband or old husband, whatever the age, wants sex twice a day, or everyday a woman should agree to that?"
    No. She's not. Elizabeth said, "I'm not saying 'You MUST always say yes to sex'..."
    You both have valid points. No, a woman shouldn't always have to have sex when her husband asks her to. However, YES, she should, MOST OF THE TIME, even if she doesn't feel like it ALL THE TIME.
    It is reasonable for a woman to tell her husband "no," on occasion, because she "just doesn't feel like it," or is "too tired," or whatever. But it's only reasonable if that's very rarely.
    I don't always want sex when my husband does. But unless I'm nearly asleep, or sick, or it's very late and if we stay up later we won't get nearly enough sleep, I don't turn him down. I'm not saying I NEVER turn him down. But I very, very rarely do.
    For two reasons:
    1) It makes him REALLY happy when we have sex, and when he's happy, our marriage is happier and our relationship goes more smoothly. A few minutes of sex has massive benefits for both of us.
    2) If I have sex without begrudging him, even if I'm not "in the mood," I will probably get in the mood in a fairly short amount of time, and I'll enjoy it just as much as if I was turned on to begin with.
    I'm usually not very turned on when my husband approaches me for sex. (It's a different story if I'm the one initiating--which I do on a semi-regular basis!) However, once those hormones kick in, I'm as ready for it as he is.


    Just my experience. :) Hope this clears things up for you a bit.

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  15. I suppose I see things differently. Being married for 22 years can have a different perspective. We have a great sex life. I don't really need to clear this up for myself.
    I just think these types of statements can be very dangerous.

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  16. I'll jump out of this conversation now. Thanks! I have been on the computer far too long today. I hope to not offend or upset. I will carry these points along when leading new women. I just modify number 10. ;-)

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  17. Next time you don't want me to read something DON'T put the disclaimer on it! :) I do not as a habit run from sex. I know, TMI. I agree with all 10. Also, the comment by Kim about menopause is really important. We are told over and over about our husbands always thinking about and wanting sex that when they don't so much we can be way more upset than we should be, wondering what's "wrong" with ourselves, obsessing about it to the point of making our husbands upset and a rough cycle begins...

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  18. Thanks for all this discussion, girls! I think I just wrote another post in my head for tomorrow about this because it's a valid, difficult question we struggle with.

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  19. Well, my mom at least ignored the disclaimed (Mamakate6) so I wouldn't count on them staying away! :) (And it was sort of tongue in cheek since my husband has initiated conversations about sex with my parents on a regular basis.)

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  20. Yeah, I sort of meant this when I said I wished someone would have told me it would hurt, but I think you're bringing up a good point about being more specific about WHY it would hurt and if there are things you could do to prevent or lessen the pain. I don't think I had quite as much pain as it sounded like you did, but I will say that I was still basically a virgin four days into our honeymoon because sex was painful. I even called our premarital counselors from the honeymoon to ask if there was something wrong with me! But...we managed to move past that midway through the honeymoon!

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  21. That's very true...we do tend to emphasize how bad it is to have sex before marriage without stressing that married sex is (or can be) great and that that is one of the reasons to wait. I don't quite know what the solution is...it's a fine line to walk between trying to tone down natural desires while wanting to build excitement for the time when it is permitted.

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  22. It can be very destructive in a marriage if a husband is having issues, but a woman who suddenly feels a sense of freedom sexually. She feels unattractive, and he feels inadequate. I think we have to be careful not generalize about the sex lives of others based on our own experience.

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  23. I cannot recommend highly enough Ed Wheat's book "Intended for Pleasure." It answers a lot of these questions. Personally, I feel that there is too much pressure for couples fo be wowed on their honeymoon. If I had to recommend something to a couple it would be not to worry if there is no intercourse on the first night. Just think what a couple has been through over the preceding months... plans, preparations, exhaustion. It's too much pressure. Our pastor counsels young couples not to feel obligated on the first night, especially for couples who have managed to stay pure prior to marriage.

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  24. That's one of two books my parents gave us before we got married, that and "The Act of Marriage." They are both SO helpful. And you're so right! The first night is not going to have major fireworks. That'll happen a few months in. :) :)

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  25. I agree...I wish I had not had such high expectations. We were so exhausted anyway, I don't know what I was thinking.

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  26. I would love to read a post from older-than-me women giving advice about things to remember about sex as we grow older, like the menopause thing.

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  27. Sheila Wray Gregoire's book The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex is also a good book to read for newlyweds/engaged couples. I just read it a few months ago and it was actually helpful to me as well.

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  28. #3 is so true! It took MONTHS for me to warm up to my husband because I had become so accustomed to shutting down we were dating and engaged!

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  29. How much medical expertise does she come to the issue with? A young woman has been asking me about that book, and I dont' want to recommend it unless there is some medical discussion, because those issues sometimes get forgotten.

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  30. I have lots to say about that topic, but that's not really the kind of content I have at my blog, and I don't think my husband would want me discussing it there, because our friends read my blog, and some of them would feel uncomfortable about it. What you need to do is get a guest writer here. Let me know when that post goes up, and I'll read it.

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  31. There is a little bit of medical discussion as far as the essential body parts involved and what they each do, explanation/description of orgasm, a little "technique" but not so much of that that it reads like a textbook. She's pretty open and direct in discussing the actual physical part.

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  32. I think I do know a few older-than-me Christian sex bloggers who might be willing to write that. And I'm open to an anonymous guest blog post if that interests you since you have mentioned having lots to say.

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  33. I'm happy to have discovered your blog. I definitely will be coming back to read more.

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  34. A couple months ago I got to throw a bachelorette/personal shower for a good friend and we made a point to invite women of ALL ages, and we all sat down and talked about SEX. It was awesome! Your post covers a lot of the things we talked about, and they are definitely helpful to know before getting married! I shared about the entire chat here: http://lamponastand.com/2012/07/05/a-god-honoring-bachelorette-party/ (Skip to the end for the sex questions!)

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  35. Thanks for "unveiling" this topic, Elizabeth. You provide some great advice and challenge us to deepen an area of our marriages that, I know personally, often gets neglected. Thanks for being so open, positive and authentic!

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  36. Thanks for stopping by! I hope we'll be good resources for each other!

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  37. 1. Don't go on the PIll, especially if you've never been sexually active before. It can really put a damper on your libido, and if you've never been sexually active, you wouldn't know it.
    2. Make sure you stay attractive- physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.
    3. build intimacy in your marriage. You can't give yourself fully in sex if you don't have intimacy overall.

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  38. Oooh, I like #2 and #3!! Thanks for adding those!

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  39. Great confessions! Before I married, I did ask an older woman if sex hurt the first time. Trying to be sweet and supportive, she answered, "Not if it's with someone you really love." Liar, liar, pants on fire, I wanted to say later. LOL. After the first time, ladies, you will be sore. You have just used muscles that have never been used and stretched like that before. Wonderful point!
    And yes, it feels fabulous. And it no longer hurts, especially if you continue to have sex often.

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  40. I Have always said that married women have a bad habit of being quiet about sex. This was a great article!

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  41. Lol...that answer doesn't even make sense...so, if it hurts, you don't really love each other? :)

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  42. Great post, Elizabeth! There's a small percentage of us where first time encounters are not painful, due to thin hymen or none at all (maybe due to injury). I was a lucky girl in that the first time did not hurt. I passed this by my mom and she had painless first time experience, as well. I esp. like #3 and #7. As many of your commenters have stated, being told 'it' was wrong for so long, it's hard to wrap our minds about 'it' being right.

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  43. Thank you for sharing this! My wedding is a month away and this really helps!

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  44. Congratulations! I hope you have a wonderful wedding day!

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  45. I know this is an old conversation but- I am also an older married woman and I would just like to add that what you are all failing to mention is, the Bible tells us not to hold out on each other , except for short amounts of time and even then, only by mutual consent for prayer/fasting.
    I know that is not popular with feminists but... it's in there.
    The Lord has our good in mind ALWAYS (not our happiness but our good) and those times that I gave a half-hearted "o.k" instead of an enthusiastic "yes" built our love and relationship BECAUSE I did not do it begrudgingly, I consented out of love for my husband and a willing heart to fill his desires out of my love for him and when I did it THAT way I always enjoyed it too.
    That said, I did have sex a few times out of some sense of "duty" to him/the marriage and it was awful for me, and I resented it and him because he still enjoyed it! This was so hard for me to understand. It was all physical for him,
    It was all a heart issue for me.

    I must agree with #10. I wish I had known. I gave too many "not tonights" .

    I wish I could get those back!

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  46. "I'll jump out of this conversation now." Probably best... for everybody. Most certainly the men reading this blog.

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