What I Wish I'd Known About Sex

After my first post on sex, there were tons of comments on various issues related to marital sex.  Part of the conversation related to the wisdom that older-than-us women would like to pass on to us younger wives regarding sex.  Although I know that sex is a hugely important aspect of marriage, I'm not really a sex blogger so I asked a few of the Christian Marriage Association Bloggers for some help. There are a few very different perspectives that I'd like to pass on to you.  First up, here's Pearl from Pearl's Oysterbed sharing some things she wished she had known in the early years of marriage.

After the bright and shining honeymoon phase, real life sets in.  Our real life included three kids in three years,10 moves in 10 years, and one-income.  Here are some things to ponder and empower if your honeymoon is evolving into real life.

Sex is never going to go away (barring unforeseen trauma of some kind).  It's always going to be a HUGE part of your relationship with your husband.

Please, don’t be offended by this, but the kids are not first priority, your marriage is.  I mean, sure, if Jacob has a fever, or the baby needs fed, those are priority situations.  However, husband first, kids second should be the classification.   This should be reciprocal.  He should make time for you first and help you manage things so that you can make time for him.  

Do you realize that kids will only live in your home for about 1/4 of their lives?  Hopefully, you will give them the tools to have godly marriages for twice as long as they've lived in your house by modeling this priority.

Husbands need sex like they need air.  Even after the bright and shining honeymoon phase, they are still going to need to have sex with you.  There is a physical and emotional connection involved in sexual intimacy that is vital for the male.  Sex for Mr. Muscle, my husband, is equivalent for my need of conversation.  If I don’t have conversation with Mr. Muscle I don’t feel connected to him.  If he doesn’t have sex with me, he doesn’t feel connected to me.  Pearl’s post, Why Sex?, explains in biological terms what happens to help bond the husband through sex with his wife.

Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.  Compare notes.  Realistically, how many times a week would he like to have sex versus how many times a week you would like to have sex?  2, 3?  Make a compromise, if needed.  Set the days.  Discuss with your husband how he can chip in with chores or errands and help you be less stressed.  If you are tired from child-rearing, working full-time, etc., conserve energy as much as possible on the set day.

Talking about this outside of the bedroom helps eliminate the awkward bedroom avoidance.  I know all about it.  You put on your flannels and hope to go to sleep before he hits the covers so you don’t have to engage.

Sex is a gauge.  If you and your husband are in-sync, sexual intimacy is usually rolling along smoothly.  When sexual intimacy is rolling along smoothly, you and your hubby are usually in-sync.

If Sex is starting to feel like a chore, evaluate what is amiss.  Are you too tired?  Eliminate all but the necessary if stress is overwhelming.  Does your health need some attention?  Are you not spending enough time together?  Talk about something besides the kids, flirt.  Are you feeling disconnected emotionally from your husband?  I found that when I was emotionally disconnected I felt like an ‘object.’  Sole Secret to Libido may help if you are feeling disconnected. 

Find your clitoris.  Because sex is never going to go away (nor would I want it to!) if you haven't found your clitoris, relax and go find it.  Sexual activity should be tantalizing and pleasurable for you!!  It’s not all about him.  See Sheila Gregoire’s, ‘Sex Is Mutual.’  If you have never experienced orgasm during your lovemaking session, it's time to 'go to school.'  First, have a discussion outside of the bedroom with your husband regarding this.   There are numerous Christian blogs and articles devoted to just such a topic to help you find the 'button under the hood'.  Do some exploring on your own, get to know your lady parts.  Once suitably armed with info, initiate a lovemaking session and go on safari!  A large percentage of women climax during intercourse due to digital stimulation (i.e. with fingers, his or hers).  You and your husband will NOT be disappointed you went the extra mile.

There's also something known as a G-Spot (or Grafenburg spot).  It’s existence has been debated, but I believe it to exist.  Although, it’s exact location can vary from lady to lady, generally, it is about an inch above the vaginal opening on the anterior wall.  It feels like a rougher area of skin.  It has been purported to be an area where the female prostate is closest to the outer part of the body.  But, a 2009 French study conducted by Dr. Odile Buisson and Dr. Pierre Foldes, gave the world it’s first 3-D sonogram of internal clitoral tissue and it is a lot more tissue than one would expect!  My humble opinion, is the G-spot may actually be a part of the clitoris that touches the anterior wall of the vagina.  It's sensitive and works in cooperation with the exterior button beautifully.  But, it is effective only when a female is fully aroused.  It can be stroked manually.  Just making your husband aware that you would like him to stroke it with his penis can enhance the experience.

He LOVES to look at you!!  I know you may not like your lady parts all out there in the open.  But, lovemaking with a soft candle and on top of the sheets will blow his mind, especially if you haven't had the confidence to present yourself au naturale before.  The more you let him look, the more comfortable you'll be with it.  Greater body confidence may help you be more confident to try some new things in the bedroom (lingerie, positions, explorations).  But, only things you both agree are acceptable.

Keep the sensual mindset  For me, after the bright and shining honeymoon phase, I lost my luster.  For some reason, my mental state reverted back to told paradigms, sex is dirty.  I knew academically that sex was ok in marriage.  I lost my sexy to motherhood.  It was very difficult to mentally mesh mama and sex kitten.  I think part of that was hormonal birth control.

It helped me to think about my body and become aware of my nether regions throughout the day.  How does my earlobe feel right now?  It helped to read the Song of Solomon.  But, mostly it helped to have my husband tell me outside of the bedroom, what a beautiful, sexual, sensual creature he thought I was.  I asked him to tell me these things.

If I’d only known in the early years how wonderful a consistent sex life is for marriage!  I hope this empowers you beautiful readers.  You probably already have a good thing with your mister, but you can have an incredible marriage and family as a by-product of consistent sexual intimacy. 

The grittiness of life has helped shape Pearl.  Her luster comes from layers of experience and HOPE from the beloved Word of God.  Pearl’s focus is sexual intimacy and restoring waning female libido.  But, she has parented children with learning issues, has navigated the genepool of mental illness, and has dealt with marital conflict and sexual fulfillment issues.  She wishes to share HOPE with her beautiful readers to help them understand their men, marriage and sex.  You can find Pearl in the OysterBed 

Sharing with: Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, Wifey Wednesday, Women Living Well, Deep Roots at Home, We Are THAT Family, NOBH, Beautiful Thursdays