Lie #3: Abuse Requires Divorce or Submission

Abuse within marriage is so tragic.  So much pain, so much hurt, so much damage.  From what I have read, there seem to be two generally prevailing opinions on how to respond: get an immediate divorce or "silently endure" and submit to the abusive husband.  Many people seem to believe that these are the only two options available to a woman in an abusive situation, however, neither of those two perspectives or responses is truly biblical.  But don't take advice from me...take advice from someone who has been through abuse.  I'm going to step back now and let Ellie of Ponder Woman share some counsel on how to respond biblically to abuse within marriage.  If you have not yet read her personal story, I would recommend that you do so, in order to understand her background and put the advice in context.

Also, let me say right off the bat: Comments and questions are more than welcome, as usual, but as this is a touchy subject, let's make an extra effort to be respectful and considerate. 

Yesterday I shared how my marriage used to be; today I am putting forth some considerations for Christian women who may find themselves in a marriage much like mine used to be.  I don’t think that anything I say will make much sense apart from the acknowledgement that God is still God and sovereign in all of life so just keep that in mind.

Also, this is geared toward those who are in an abusive MARRIAGE – not an abusive common-law relationship, or an abusive dating relationship.  I won’t bother saying anything about the morality, or lack thereof, of living common-law; all I want to say is that you need to get out and stay out and never go back.  If violence is a factor in your relationship at this point, marriage will make it worse, not better. 

Staying Versus Leaving

If you are married to a man that is violent with you, should you stay or not?  The first thing to consider is whether any children are involved.  If there are children, is he being violent with them as well?  If so, I really believe that there is no question about this – LEAVE!  If the children are not being targeted it leaves more room for debate but I’m personally inclined to counsel you to leave and here’s why:  it is very difficult for a woman to think clearly and rationally when she is immersed in such a tragic situation. 

I know from experience that it is usually the soul that is wounded deepest when violence is present because the very act of a husband lashing out at his wife says that he views her as a thing without value.   We have a soul that has great value because it belongs to God so such an atrocious act by a husband serves to wound our soul far more deeply than any mark he can leave on our outside body because he is attacking the core of who we are through that action.  Because of this, it is so hard to think straight if a woman chooses to stay in the middle of that situation.  This is the man that she became vulnerable to and trusted to take care of her and to love her and value her all his life.  It’s enough to make a woman think that maybe she deserves what he’s doling out; that maybe it’s her fault. 

While I do think that some women may, myself included as I already confessed, contribute to such a situation, the carrying out of an act of violence always, always, always is the responsibility of the one committing the act.  Period.  Whatever part the woman plays is something she must come to terms with herself but she is not responsible for his violence toward her because it is still his choice to follow through in that way. 

Bottom line?  I think that it is better to pack up and leave for a time.  That way, you are removed from the situation and you can think clearly and rationally without the turmoil of such a tragic situation round about you. 

Get Help

This should be your number one priority after putting some margins between yourself and the violence; I cannot even tell you how crucial I believe it is for you to say out loud to someone that you can put your absolute trust in everything that has happened, no matter how ugly.  If you are not already in a Bible believing, preaching and especially living church then I highly recommend that you seek one out as soon as possible.

Whether you want to involve the law in your situation is a call that you have to make based on your situation.  The only thing that I want to say on this point is that you should examine your heart to make sure you are not doing it out of a desire for revenge but to protect yourself and your children.

Back to the church.  Once you have found a church where you can find real and true believers, tell them.  Tell them everything.  Tell them about what your husband has done and tell them what you have done as well, if anything, because you need the whole truth to be out in the open before healing can take place.   No matter how ugly it is, tell it all.  There is healing in revealing.  Sin thrives in secrecy and I never knew freedom in my personal life or my marriage until that crucial day in my life where I just let it all out.  I must caution you though, strongly, to not take this step lightly with just anyone.  It is hard for a woman in an abusive marriage to trust, I understand that so well, but you must be sure that the person, or persons, that you will speak to about this will be godly in their guidance and counsel.  

If there is a good Christian counselor near you it may be worth utilizing their services either in lieu of not being able to connect with a Church body that actually provides help and support in situations like these or using such an avenue in tandem with the church.  Again, I strongly caution you to make certain they operate out of a completely biblical perspective as situations like these are easily exacerbated rather than helped if it is not handled with the utmost care and diligence.

Healing

Healing can come, and will, if you will allow it; fully and completely.  You don’t have to learn how to ‘deal with it’, ‘get over it’, ‘forget about it’; you can be fully and completely free from the abuse that you have lived with.  The exact path that will lead you there may be different than mine or any other woman that has lived with violence, but I can tell you that the source will be the same: God.  He is willing and able to set you free from your past.  Will you let Him? It takes faith and it takes believing God, two things that are hard for women in abusive situations to do.

Our God is the creator of the universe and He is also the creator of our souls.  Do you think that He does not care about you, what is being done to you?  I understand the feeling that He does not care even if He knows.  Hear me: you are believing a lie!  He cares more than anyone on earth ever will!  You are a priceless creation, within your body is housed a soul that He Himself breathed life into.  He cares!  If you are but willing He will set you free from the pain and the power of the memories. 

For me this was not an instantaneous moment of glory but a difficult, almost impossible road.  But it is in the traveling of the road that the healing comes for we are traveling with the Healer Himself.  And what good would it do us if God snapped His fingers and in that instant we were set free from the situation and from the hold that it has over us?  He is certainly capable of doing that, but is it not much better that He takes us by the hand and walks us down the difficult road of healing? 

Because if He just granted our wish instantly we would be bereft of relationship with the Healer and so we would be open to going back to the same situation over and over again.   He would set us free from the one and because we have not learned we would wrap more of the same about us again.  Know that God loves you; believe it even if you do not feel it.  Believe that He cares for you and longs to have you bring your difficult burdens to Him even if you do not feel His caring. 

One more consideration on the topic of healing: I don’t think you will ever be able to experience full healing until you forgive.  It is a costly thing, this forgiveness.  The more your husband has harmed you, the more difficult it will be; the more costly the price.  And for what?  So that some man that you married who has done such devastating things to you can walk off scot-free?  How unfair is that? 

If we were talking about him, it would be the most unfair thing in the world.  But we are talking about you.  You must forgive him in order to set your soul free from the prison of hate.  If you will not forgive, you will hold on to the damage your husband has done and it will own you for the rest of your life.  It will turn you bitter with time. 

Depending on what the heart of your husband is like he may or may not care what happens to you; why would you cause harm to yourself to compound the harm that he has already done, and especially if he doesn’t even care?  Forgive him!  I know the price.  I could not have paid it without Jesus giving me the power and the resources to pay it.  It’s not a one-time deal and then you’re done with it and flying on the wings of freedom.  No, it is instead a deep and painful cleansing of your soul wounds that may take much time until the process is completed.

Unless God causes amnesia to come to you, you will always have some memories and until you are all done forgiving and cleaning out those soul wounds they will have power over you.  But when you have finally completed forgiveness, however long that process is for you, they will no longer have power over you.  You may look back on your life and remember and even feel a pang of sadness over it all again, but the power to cause you fear that comes with memories like that will be gone.  It is hard.  It is exhausting.  It is non-negotiable if you want to be free from the power they hold over you. 

This will be ever so much easier if he turns from his wicked ways like my husband did.  And so much harder if he doesn’t.  If that is your situation my heart is just breaking for you.  I know how hard it has been on me even with my husband being one of the few men that turns to God and gets his broken and violent soul fixed. 

I would be remiss in talking about this without exhorting you to pray.  You are not so much fighting against flesh and blood but against evil spirits that you can’t even see.  A very real and very present darkness is round about us all the time and Satan would just love to keep you and your husband and your marriage right where it’s at today.  Prayer is your secret weapon.  Use it mightily – moment by moment.  Do not stay in a dangerous situation but do pray at all times. 

Now, after you have taken steps to ensure your safety and that of your children (whether that included leaving the home or not) and you have overcome your reticence and possible feelings of embarrassment and shared all the details of your situation with someone (or maybe a group of people) who is/are godly and wise and your husband has been called upon to account for his behaviours and he reacts the way that my husband did?  Praise God!  I hope to hear about it sometime!  But the story isn’t over so fast. 

God is in the business of changing hearts.  I watched a night to day transformation happen in my husband in the space of one whole day.  The words to describe that elude me.  But I know that sometimes there will be husbands that will put on a show of cooperation with the church and the newly established accountability group just so that they have more of a chance of staying out of legal trouble. 

If you decide to believe your husband is willing to work within this accountability group and you agree to reconcile with him and move back in (assuming that your situation called you to leave to begin with), do this: watch him very carefully.  Don’t be paranoid, by any means, but do observe him through objective eyes and a prayerful heart.  He needs grace and mercy, yes, but you must not allow him to lay hands on you because it will cause you to possibly be in a more difficult place than before due to the crushing of hope.  And if you have once initiated a path of change and you then allow him to return to his old behaviours it may cause him to believe he is not really doing anything wrong because you aren’t doing anything about it and so he may become more aggressive still.  Leave at once if you can see that he was only putting on a show to deceive you and the accountability group. 

In closing I want to just say that God is the healer of the broken – even if your marriage remains broken because your husband will not submit to the authority of God, you can be not only safe, but healed.  If you are a woman that is in a marriage where abuse is happening, just know that I am praying for you even as I am writing this.  I hope with my whole heart that you will seek God and walk the path of healing with Him.  

**For more godly counsel on this subject, make sure you check out Jolene's post on living with an unrepentant husband at The Alabaster Jar. 

Sharing with: Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Growing Home, Wifey Wednesday, Deep Roots at Home, Women Living Well, We Are THAT Family, Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, NOBH, Finding Beauty, Consider The Lilies