Lessons in Wifehood: The Chains of Shame

Warrior Wives!

It's time for another warrior wife to tell her story of how God worked in her marriage through struggling with shame.

"Don't you remember on Earth - there were things too hot to touch with your finger, but you could drink them alright?  Shame is like that.  If you will accept it - if you will drink the cup to the bottom - you will find it very nourishing, but try to do anything else with it, and it scalds."   

C.S. LEWIS

SHAME

This story I tell, starts long before that 5 letter word became thematic rhetoric in my everyday life.  I grew up in a home that was less than loving; my father, an alcoholic, who found it difficult to keep money coming in to pay the bills, and my mother, who worked her fingers to the bone and made sure everyone knew how much she resented it.  I have a brother and a twin sister who comfortably, along with I, fell into the roles children play in a family sufferring from someone who is dependent on drugs and alcohol.  I was the "hero". I took care of everyone, I cleaned for everyone, I loved everyone, I solved problems, I held hands, fed the baby, and wiped scraped knees.  I spent my carefree days doing everything but being free.  Although no one on the outside could see, we were a wounded family, dysfunction with a capital "D".  


The problem with this particular role is that the child playing it never develops emotionally.  This child is unable to understand who s/he is because they are too busy taking care of everyone else.  It is a sad state of affairs for this child because NO ONE knows how badly they are damaged, because they look, from the outside, that they have it all together.  


Eventually, my siblings and I all grew up, and although I still have this strange sense of urgency to fix stuff when they make toxic decisions, I stay out of it, and try, to the best of my ability, to live only my life.  The ashes from this wreckage, however, were far too thick to ignore.  I was damaged.  I needed to be loved badly, and I was empty, sad, powerless, shameful, and in a constant state of guilt.   


I went onto to college, graduated, and started a teaching career...all while participating in a barrage of toxic relationships.  I bought into what the world had told me would fill this emptiness, but all it did, was leave me lonely, feeling confused at the emotional baggage and physical consequences I never expected.    


After my millionth heartbreak, sparing many intricate and beautiful details, I found Jesus.  He filled the void, and at long last, I wasn't empty anymore.  I didn't need a man to love me, and was completely fine without one!  


But, as we all know, God has plans we cannot imagine.  He did want someone for me, and that someone was a pastor!  I laugh as I write this, because the God of the universe is more amazing than I can even describe in words.  You see, after I came to Christ, I bottled up all of the mistakes, all of the sexual sin, all of the emotional baggage, all of the hurt, the pain, and turmoil, and put it away, never to be thought of again.  I wasn't going to tell anyone, because I carried SHAME into my salvation. 


God is a redeemer...and He wanted my story.  This girl, looking for love in all the wrong places, came to know Jesus, fell in love with Jesus, and was going to marry a pastor....was going to be a pastor's wife...and was going to look in the eyes of women for the rest of my life, and have to tell them this story - and God wanted no "ifs ands or buts" about it!!


We walked down the aisle on a beautiful August day almost 4 years ago.  He knew about my past (although it took me months to tell him because of shame, fear and lies from Satan), and loved me anyway.  However, this sin would haunt us, because of my inability to overcome Satan's lies and hold onto God's truth.  Lies likes:  


"You are damaged goods"


"A man that has stayed sexually pure deserves better than you!"


"If anyone in the congregation finds out, they will hate you."


"You will have kids who think you are disgusting."


The pain was too much to bear, and I began to shut down.  Those feelings of being completely unlovely returned and I felt empty.  I judged my husband for "hating me" because of my past, I silently referred to him as, "unchristian".  He certainly did not hate me, or judge me, but I had made it all up in my head with a little help from the one who was only interested in stealing all God had redeemed.  


I was being tortured emotionally, and no one, not even my husband knew.  I hated myself for what I had done, and I spent countless hours tearing myself to pieces because I knew I was worthless.  I didn't know how to fix it and our marriage was a hotbed of controversy behind the scenes; blame, accusations, and undeserved arrows.  


During the first 4 years of our marriage, we have moved to a new church, had a daughter (which made me even more desperate for a cure), and later had a son.  After our daughter was born, I succumbed to a mean case of postpartum depression, which I also convinced myself was a punishment from God for my sin.  Looking into the eyes of my baby girl, I was determined to be healed for my daughter, but mostly, for my husband.  I didn't want her to grow up with these unrecognizable wounds, and for my husband suffer from these silent wars I was having with myself.  I wanted a family not like the one I derived these wounds from, one they deserved.  


I began to read...Scripture verses about marriage, Bible studies about marriage, verses about redemption, books about girls who weren't loved as children, books about damaged but redeemed girls.  I finally gained some perspective and began to let go of some of the chains.  Right around this time, my husband asked me to share my testimony in front of the WHOLE church, and then a friend asked me to share my testimony in front of our WHOLE MOPS group.  Terrified doesn't sum it up, but I knew it was God leading me further to a place of freedom for the sake of my family.  I shared, and I felt God enter into the pain.  I released the secrets, I released the suppression, and because of this, I began to feel freedom from something that had been a governing force in my everyday thought life - shame.  The more I read and talked, the more freedom I felt.  It became easier to love my husband the way he deserved to be loved, and I felt more lovable myself.  


God is a big God, with big plans.  He is working in our marriage, because I allowed Him to work through me and my shame.  It isn't anywhere near where God wants us to be, but everyday, the chains are falling, and the shame is lifting, and soon, all that will be left is love the way God intended.  My redeemer is showing me and giving me and my husband the strength to love each other through wounds that left scars regardless of what I did or what I actually deserve.  Our God is like that, you see, He loves no matter how disgusting we THINK we are, and if we can get past the lies of Satan, He will show us the reflection of what He sees:

Lovely, beautiful, redeemed daughters of the King!

Michelle and her husband live in Pennsylvania and have two children.
Michelle is a stay at home mom, and her husband, Adam, is a pastor.
She writes because she wants to share the amazing things God has done
in her life. You can find out more about her and her family at
Tales From the Front Pewhttp://talesfromthefrontpew-michelle.blogspot.com/

Sharing with: Rediscovering Domesticity, Thought Provoking Thursday, Thoughtful Thursday, Hearts for Home Thursday, Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, Finding Beauty, Consider the Lilies, NOBH, Denise In Bloom