Slander Destroys Trust

When I was in college, I worked as a server in a country club.  It was probably my favorite job not related to my actual career.  One of the things that I liked about it was that, because the only people we served were members of the club, we got to know them better than most servers get to know their customers.  It got to the point where I knew that Mr. Somach was going to ask for "8 green olives and 8 black olives!  No more! No less!" so I just automatically brought him that before he asked.  Very quirky people, some of those country clubbers.


One of the things I did not enjoy so much was listening to the conversations between the husbands about their marriages, their wives and their children.  I don't know if they felt like they were more "manly" if they complained about their wives but the impression many of those men gave was that they were married to some pretty witchy, nasty women.  Judging from my interactions with some of their wives, I'm not so sure they were always entirely off the mark.  However, I always wondered how their wives would feel if they overheard their husbands.  


How would you feel? 


Would you feel comfortable being yourself - flaws and all - if you knew your husband was going to expose you to all his friends?  


Would you feel betrayed if you discovered that your husband had complained to his best friend about something you didn't even know bothered him?


Would you feel as though you were being misrepresented?  I mean, what about all your good points?  Is he sharing those too?  


Slander destroys trust.  And trust is an essential building block of marriage.


Consider what Paul Tripp says about this:


Exchanging honest marital communication for marital gossip is a clear sign of the breakdown of trust.  Now, I do not mean talking about your marriage with another person when you have come to the realization that there are things you are facing together that you will not be able to solve together.  When you seek out external help, you do it because you have talked, and you now know you need help.  No, I'm talking about giving up on your spouse and giving in to releasing your steam by talking about him without his knowledge.  Our churches are riddled with women's gatherings, formal and informal, that are not so much times of healthy fellowship but unhealthy times for complaint against the men in their lives.  If you are trustworthy, you would not think of saying anything to others that you hadn't first said to your spouse, and you wouldn't say it to others unless they were part of the problem or positioned to be part of the solution.  And if you know that you can trust your spouse, you know that you can speak to him with candor, and he will hear and respond.  There are too many marriages out there where the husband or wife has been replaced, when it comes to communication, by a friend who functions as a replacement spouse. (What Did You Expect, p. 147)


Consider also what Scripture has to say about a godly wife in Proverbs 31:11-12:"The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." 

I would encourage wives who struggle with slander to, in the words of another reader, "stop damaging the most precious earthly relationship God has given them".  

If slander has been an area in which you have struggled and it has already damaged your relationship with your husband, let today be the day in which you start over.  I'm loosely quoting Joshua Harris here from memory but I believe he has said something along the lines of, "We serve a God who teaches old dogs new tricks."  Remember that you are a new creation and that you are no longer required to continue that behavior.  After praying and confessing to slander to God, confess specifically to this sin to your husband, ask his forgiveness and present some ways in which you are going to guard yourself from slandering him any further.  Commit to doing him good and not harm.  And finally, in putting off slander, put on praise.  Find something - anything - that you can praise your husband about and get on with it!  


Read more: Slandering Wives Pt 1, Slandering Wives Pt 2, Is Listening to Slander a Sin?


Sharing with: Raising Mighty Arrows, Your Thriving Family, Beholding Glory, Thought Provoking Thursday, NOBH, Thoughtful Thursdsay