There's been much debate within the Christian world about whether or not it's ok for Christian women to read this book. Many, many bloggers have come out asking women not to read it. My own husband, who NEVER EVER has an opinion about what I read or watch, specifically and emphatically asked me not to read it. Fine with me.
So, why am I all fired up about a book I haven't read?
So, why am I all fired up about a book I haven't read?
1) Just because the sex is described in words instead of presented in images does not make it any less pornographic. Think about it this way, if your husband was watching the scenes you're reading, would you still think it was innocent? I'm guessing...no.
2) If you're going to read this, then don't get mad if your husband sits down in front of the computer and watches a few pornographic videos. Double standard, anyone? If you are not ok with your husband thinking about those porn stars and the sex he sees them having on screen, then it's not ok for you to be thinking about what Christian Grey did to Anastasia Steele. No one buys the arguments a man attempts to make in favor of porn. But women are using the same arguments in favor of reading these books and now it's fine??? Why do women get a universal pass on this?
3) If you've read it, let me ask you this. When you make love to your husband, what's stuck in your head now? Don't tell me that you completely forgot the sex scenes. It's erotica. The sex scenes are a main feature. I'm guilty of having read sex scenes in books too so I know they stick in your head.
4) Expectations for sex are way skewed. Here's part of a review from Amazon. Tell me if you see any issues here (and this is the slightly tamer portion).
She orgasms at the drop of a hat. He says her name and she orgasms. He simply touches her and she orgasms. It seems that she's climaxing on every page."
Right. That's realistic. Maybe you as as married woman can read those scenes and think logically well, that doesn't happen. But think about all the virgin girls who are reading this who go into marriage thinking they should have this kind of experience with their husband. And really...now BDSM is normal??? We've all been missing out by not including this in our sexual repertoire? Right. That might be judgmental and close-minded but there you have it. Check out this post from Christian author Dannah Gresh for more thoughts on BDSM.
5) Yes, it matters what you read. It isn't "just a book". Look, there's a reason that Paul tells us to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. What you see, what you read influences what you think about. What you think about influences how you act. I'm certainly not suggesting that you should only read the Bible and Janette Oke novels in order to be a godly Christian woman. But I am saying that reading can either build you up and make you better or it can make you sink into the gutter. I know also that sometimes you really just want to read something mindless; no one wants to pick up a Jane Austen novel every time they want to read. There are plenty of mindless options out there that do not involve vivid sexual experiences. If you want a really good love story, pick up Francine Rivers' Redeeming Love.
6) If you're struggling with an unsatisfactory sex life, looking to an outside source to fix it is not the answer. As Dr Phil likes to say, "You never fix a problem in the marriage by looking away from the marriage." Here are some suggestions from Sheila Wray Gregoire, author of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex for "How to Spice Things Up Without Fifty Shades of Grey". We should be talking about sex with our husband. We should be talking about what we like and don't like. If you want to try something new, TELL HIM!! Most husbands want to please their wives! Because of the high value that they place on sex, they can actually feel like failures if you aren't enjoying it. Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus is another great book for creating a godly but sensual view of married sex. And don't forget about Song of Songs. Our small group studied that book this year and whew! It's racy! In a nice poetical way.
Ok. Stepping off my soapbox now. Anyone want a turn on it?
For more posts on this topic:
I'm Not Reading Fifty Shades of Grey @ Intentional by Grace
Fifty Shades of Danger @ Mission:Husband (a husband's perspective)
Fifty Shades of Grey: The Phenom, the Invasion, and the Preparation@ Finding Rest
Why Kindles Can Wreck Your Marriage @ To Love, Honor and Vacuum
How We Were "Marketed" Into Reading Pornography @ One Fun Mom
A Black and White Choice NOT to Read Fifty Shades of Grey @ Girls Gone Wise
Sharing with: Finding Beauty, Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, NOBH, The Better Mom, The Alabaster Jar, Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Wifey Wednesday, Deep Roots at Home, We Are THAT Family, Women Living Well, Why I'm NOT Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
6) If you're struggling with an unsatisfactory sex life, looking to an outside source to fix it is not the answer. As Dr Phil likes to say, "You never fix a problem in the marriage by looking away from the marriage." Here are some suggestions from Sheila Wray Gregoire, author of The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex for "How to Spice Things Up Without Fifty Shades of Grey". We should be talking about sex with our husband. We should be talking about what we like and don't like. If you want to try something new, TELL HIM!! Most husbands want to please their wives! Because of the high value that they place on sex, they can actually feel like failures if you aren't enjoying it. Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus is another great book for creating a godly but sensual view of married sex. And don't forget about Song of Songs. Our small group studied that book this year and whew! It's racy! In a nice poetical way.
Ok. Stepping off my soapbox now. Anyone want a turn on it?
For more posts on this topic:
I'm Not Reading Fifty Shades of Grey @ Intentional by Grace
Fifty Shades of Danger @ Mission:Husband (a husband's perspective)
Fifty Shades of Grey: The Phenom, the Invasion, and the Preparation@ Finding Rest
Why Kindles Can Wreck Your Marriage @ To Love, Honor and Vacuum
How We Were "Marketed" Into Reading Pornography @ One Fun Mom
A Black and White Choice NOT to Read Fifty Shades of Grey @ Girls Gone Wise
Sharing with: Finding Beauty, Beholding Glory, Your Thriving Family, NOBH, The Better Mom, The Alabaster Jar, Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, Wifey Wednesday, Deep Roots at Home, We Are THAT Family, Women Living Well, Why I'm NOT Reading Fifty Shades of Grey
Good post! I agree. Women struggle with porn more than others realize. My son told me at his Christian school, it's not just the boys. If people use this book to "spice up" their sex lives, then the natural course of events is that it was take increasingly "spicier" material to get someone going.
ReplyDeleteThere are works of fiction that have a few scenes of intimacy described in nuanced terms, but from what I've read (I've read a few of the links you have listed already) that is the goal of the book.
I'm 47, and one thing I tell young women is that sex changes when you get into menopause. It's great not to have to worry about your period and whatnot, or having kids interrupt, but our bodies are older and to expect that our sex lives will always be like the book detracts from the intimacy aspect.
Good post.
Great post! I like your simple summary with no guilt! I've been praying about whether or not I should post on this or not ... I don't feel like I have much to say that hasn't already been said.
ReplyDeleteI didn't think I had much to say that hasn't already been said either. And I've probably repeated some of the other points as well, but I figured that each of the people who posted had a different audience and a different readership and the more people that write about it, the more people who are hearing the warning.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I'm with you...
ReplyDeleteOK so after reading blog after blog by "christians" about this book I decided to see what all the fuss was about. I mean the "christians" were wrong about harry potter(i lived in lynchburg va when the 1st movie came out) and the purple teletubbie right? So at the book store I pick it up and scan through a few pages to see if it would be worth my 10€ to buy. What I read was horrible! Not because it is supposed to be erotica, but because the writing is simply atroscious! I have to agree with the person who wrote the amazon review you quoted by saying that the sex scenes sound like they have been written by a teenager who has no clue about sex what so ever. I also agree with the reviewer that it sounds much more comical than sexy!
ReplyDeleteI also will ask the question, why this book and why now? I mean there is erotica out there that is much more lets say high quality than this book, so is everyone freaking out just because its getting so much attention? And, by everyone who is a christian blogger blogging about the book kinda like throwing some lighter fluid on the fire?
I also want to question your question" When you make love to your husband, what's stuck in your head now?" I think for most people that read this book they would not be thinking about it. It's too wack to even be fantasy! Also, even christians HAVE to have turn ons right? Like for example when I hear certain music (like stolen by dashboard confessional) I get in the mood. Does that mean I am thinking about chris carrabba when I am kissing my man? NO! I know thats a mild example, but just because you see something or read something doesn't mean you think about it during sex. (I am not condoning reading erotica or watching porn!) I mean thats how it is for me anyway, I have a hot sexy husband and we are very in tune with eachother so I really don't have the need to think about anything else. This made me think of something Candi said on Two and a Half Men when Allen asked her if she fantasizes during sex. She told him "No, why would I think about having sex when I'm having sex? Do you think about eating a sandwich while you are eating a sandwich?" Well said.
Anyway, I feel like going on and on but I will stop here and finish this in a blog post. In the end I will not be reading this book, but only because of the poor writing and I am not really into that whole bondage thing. So I think this is all 50 Shades of Too Much Ado About Nothing.
I think you could guess that I really don't think it's Fifty Shades of Much Ado About Nothing. Obviously this is not the first erotica book to appear in bookstores; it does seem to be the first one to have basically gone mainstream. There are a lot of Christian women who had no idea what the book was about until Christian bloggers (and why Christian in parentheses, by the way?) brought it to their attention; my mom almost bought it when it was suggested for a book club. I have a problem with all erotica, not just this book. Similarly, I have a problem with visual pornography for so, so many reasons. I would stand up against using pornography, so I stand up against this as well. Harry Potter doesn't really have the potential to ruin marriages in the way FSoG does. I do agree that sometimes Christians can get a little carried away with criticizing popular literature, but I don't think that's the case here.
ReplyDeleteGetting turned on for sex is not a problem. We should be excited for sex. We should be thinking about sex. Sex with our husbands. The issue I have is getting turned on by reading about someone else's sexual experiences, even if they are fictional. I think we can get turned on by remembering our own marital escapades. Not to mention that I have huge problems with BDSM and no, I'm not a boring prude in my real life marriage. And um...I think about sex during sex and I think about my food while I'm eating it, whether I like it or not, what would make it taste better, etc. So I'm not connecting with that example at all.
A couple thoughts..."Why this book and why now?" Agreed. Erotica has been around for a long time but none of them have made the best seller lists like this one has. They haven't been talked about at lunch tables, on buses, in line at the check out counter, talk shows, etc...seriously, I can't even tell you how many people I have heard talking about it in public as though it ISN'T erotica. My neighbor came over begging me to read this book. She said "I'm practically having 'one' every time I pick it up. Oh my god!" Somehow this book wiggled its way to popularity and got to skip over the hidden rooms and dark corners that other "high quality" books have had to endure.
ReplyDeleteI agree that it has made christians go crazy with their blogs...I have read plenty of them. But why not? Why can't there be a dialogue about something like this- among christians or others? Its never a bad idea to check yourself, your motives, and your reading material to make sure you're doing what's healthy for your marriage. So why be upset that people are talking about it?
And yes, even christians have turn-ons...but when that turn-on is a fictional character that your husband can't live up to, you have a problem. Once again, asking yourself what is turning you on and how shouldn't be something shy away from. I don't want to ever get to the point where I can't self analyze without getting offended.
ok well to start with i can totally connect with that example because i do not think about sex during sex. i don't think, i let go. thinking clutters the mind and does not allow you to fully enjoy whats going on. this could lead to overthinking, and analyzing, and why would i want to do that? i think en vogue said it best when they sang " free your mind and the rest will follow". once you free your mind you can take your sexual experience to a totally awesome place.(i could go on but i fear its tmi) i also do not think about my food when i eat it. i mean yeah maybe i think "wow thats good" or something, but when i eat alone i read or watch tv, and when i eat with people i talk. (i mean do you think about poop when you are on the toilet?)
ReplyDeletei asked my husband if he would mind my reading this book. he fo course asked me why i would ask him that question. i told him about what i have been reading in the blogging world of christian women. he told me that if this book would be a threat to our marraige and sex life, then our marraige and sex life were probably not doing all that good in the first place. so no he did not care if i read the book. i agree with him totally. i mean if this book(a cheap shit work of fiction) could bring down a marraige, that marraige was not doing very well before the book came into the picture. i also have a hard time really thinking that all these women raving about the book are really THAT into it. i think most of them are doing it just to be "cool" or "fit in" which is very sad on a whole different level. i mean bondage is hard core and not for everyone,(i only know one person who enjoys it) and so to think that ALL these women are getting off on it is just odd.
i totally do not get upset that people are blogging negatively about the book, to each her own. i just find it a bit comical that there is so much rage and offence taken to a book that nobody is even claiming to have even read! (Is it then safe to assume that these women have also never read henry miller, or listened to dave matthews?)
so do i agree with you that this book is total garbage? YES. would i tell someone not to read it. NO.
why did i put christian is quotes? i do it to distance myself from that label. being a christian does not define who i am, and i just HATE labels. i love Jesus. i believe that he is the only way to heaven. i want my actions to show who i am, not what i run around shouting to the world that i am. thomas cromwell and the btk killer called themselves christians and that meant nothing. i am more than a label to Jesus, and i want to be more than a label to everyone else. (this is how i think, not saying that calling yourself a christian is wrong. this is just me)
(i also never thought you were a prude! its always the quiet proper types that turn out to be wild :-) )
As daughters of the Most High God we are to think on what is true and noble and pure and praiseworthy. We are also called to be the salt and the light as well as sharpen one another. I believe that is the heart of women wanting to share a concern that they have about a book that does not bring glory to the Lord as well as one that does not edify the marriage bed.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. I don't think any woman is blogging against this book just to be negative. We have a genuine concern about it.
ReplyDeleteHere's the funny thing . . .I'd say Redeeming Love is a tamer version of erotica. A group of about 15 women I know read it several summers ago at the end of a Hosea study. Most of them commented that they felt "turned on" while reading it
ReplyDeletePhil. 4:8 is so good but can be so subjective . . . and hard to follow.